Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Day 13: Bad Day

I'm irritated.

You know, it really stinks when you have a special needs child, and you know they need you, and you know they need you in a special way, but you're sooooo exasperated with them, that you can hardly function.

I know that sounds bad. I know that sounds wrong.

But it's reality.

Sometimes, I'm just so downright aggravated with Michaela and all the things she can't do (or things she DOES), that I have to be away from her.

I hate it. I really do.

I'd rather be some kind of super Mom that can have the utmost patience in every circumstance, every time, no matter how many times I have to repeat myself to her. Or, no matter how many times she ignores me, wants to have her way, or downright disobeys me.

You wanna know what it's like? It's like having a child in the terrible twos.

Who doesn't grow out of it.


I don't know why, but for some reason, Michaela has been overwhelming the last week or so. She talks constantly. She consistently says, "Huh?" EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. she's told to do something. Even though she can hear us. Without fail, she will tell us what she wants to do, instead of doing what she's told.

I don't raise children like this. I don't give my kids lots of opportunities to do what they're told. They have been trained to obey, or face the consequences. If I say "go," they say "where?" When I tell them to hush, they hush. Temper tantrums are NEVER allowed. Telling us "no" is NEVER allowed.

But Michaela does all that and more.

And I can't treat her the same. That's obvious. But she's NOT two. She's almost 10. She's as big as ten. Yet, her mind is at two. And it's pretty terrible to have a 65 pound 2-year-old who won't obey without a huge production. Two-year-olds get disciplined, then go on their merry way. Michaela pouts, and cries (melodramatic like) and tries to do what she wants. I can't just pick her up and move her to another room like I would with a young child. I can't just stick her in a playpen either! (Oh, how I wish sometimes!!)


Today, she talked non-stop. That in itself is mind-numbing. Sometimes, my mind gets so overwhelmed with her incessant chatter and repetition, that all I can do is laugh. Laugh till I cry. Because she can't help herself, and I can't turn her off. If she has her head on something, it's stuck and won't go away. For hours even. There's nothing I can say or do to change her mind sometimes. And so I tell her to hush. But that's useless. So I send her to her room. But her attention span is so short, that she quickly forgets why she's in there. So I give her another toy to play with....same result.

And then I get stern with her. Mean even. Trying to elicit the response I'm looking for (obedience? hello?). Nope. If I try to punish her, she gets her feelings hurt something awful. Like she has no clue what she did that was so bad. Apologizing to me for the longest time.

And you know what? It probably WASN'T all that bad. All I did was tell her to hush, and she wouldn't listen. Why is that so bad? She probably couldn't even hush if she wanted to. But after hours of it, I can't STAND it anymore. I can't function. I'm to the point of tears.

I try to be understanding. I try to talk her through the things I want her to do. I try to be patient. But I'm human. And I have my breaking point. I have my limit.

I'm not supermom.

I'm just "regular mom".......

.....and days like these make me wish I had a regular kid.

Blasphemy, I know. Oh well. Special needs is not a bed of roses.

If it is, then I must not have a "green thumb."

(ok, so I'm venting. welcome to my online diary. come back tomorrow. i'm sure i'll be fine.)


baSfsoGp said...

It's not likely you'll get up tonight and pour out what you said here in a testimony, but if you'll remember back, when a certain sister felt like she'd reached the end of her rope and did that, THE SAINTS KNEW TO PRAY.

And we did.
And things took a turn for the better.

I am sure you'll be getting a lot of prayers today from those of us who read you.

I try to remember to pray for you EVERY day. I know you need it. I know I'd want to be remembered in prayer if I faced what you do.

Remember the song: "I see a great band of angels camped all around me." If we could just "see" that we have the saints "camped all around us" when we go through frustrations it could help us. They are there to love us and for our support. But in the middle of our frustrations, we don't see that.

We're all just "regular" folks. But even in our greatest frustrations and irritations and aggravations--even when we express them sometimes loudly -- we don't commit sin BY GOD'S GRACE. That's our consolation. We may not be supermoms, but there's a point we don't pass when we're plunging downward.


Alabamabrands said...

I know you don't feel like it, but you have a huge ammount of patience & I would say you ARE super mom! You just aren't feeling it.
Hang in there!

Elizabeth said...

Gee Kell - that sucks. Just so you know - I love you and I think you're doing an incredible job - the best mom in our generation that I know and I know a lot. You are my role model. Big hug - miss you so much.
~your devoted cousin

JeniBeans said...

Hang in there kiddo. For every rainy day there's a sunny one.

Just wait for it....

Love you! I'll be praying for you.

Denna said...

(((HUGS))) I hope you have a better day today. We will be praying for you.

JSmith5780 said...

Normal, normal, normal...that's what you are and what you are feeling. We know you love her, but you are human and you are allowed to get frustrated.

Life may not be a bed of roses, but our kids are blue roses...see my blog post to understand, it's too long to post here.

Just love her...you'll both get through this.

Awesome Mom said...

Hang in there!!! I used to get very frustrated with Evan and his non walking ways. He was so dang heavy and I was having to haul him everywhere while pregnant. I just wanted him to walk and act like his peers already. I have to second the prayer idea, that was the only way I was able to gain patience with the situation.