Moody Over Chemistry

When I was in high school I took chemistry like everyone else did. Science was my strength, and the thought of actually manipulating things in the lab appealed to me.

Our teacher was a man by the name of Currier. A short, skinny, curmudgeon of a man, Mr. Currier personified grumpy, but he knew his molecules. He quickly gained the nickname "Moody"...not "Mr. Moody" mind you, just plain "Moody"...as he would grumble and gripe his way through class each day.

And despite his disparaging name, Moody seemed to like the way our class would make him smile in the face of his every effort to frown. We may have even got him laughing for a bit, just for him to get all grumpy and holler at us for the chuckle. He was the type of person that you could tell was soft and --gasp!-- cuddly down under layers and layers of prehistoric rock.

I really loved Moody. He probably was one of my favorite teachers in school. He helped me to even like the complex nature of chemistry. Which, beside my scientific leanings, really whipped my backside and confused me to no end. I very much looked forward to his class and dealing with his sour antics.

But I didn't get the best grades. I definitely wasn't going to be a chemist someday.

I wish I could tell you where that man is now, but for all I know, he passed away years ago.

The concepts of high school chemistry have been at the forefront of my mind lately. I remember analyzing structures of molecules and everyday substances, trying to figure out how the atoms would dance with each other, or how they wouldn't. Studying cryptic lines and geometric figures with little letter/number notations all over them. Trying to make sense of things I couldn't see, but just had to trust really worked the way Moody was describing.

Trusting in what you can't see, can be an important life lesson.

****

Have you ever picked up a prescription at the pharmacy and opened up the pamphlet that comes in the box? Have you ever noticed that it opens up into a huge sheet that can cover an entire dining room table? Isn't it amazing how much monotonous and boring information they can squeeze onto that paper?

Did you realize that there are chemical diagrams on those things?

I have.

And truth be known, I have READ a prescription pamphlet or two in the last 10 years.

Ya, I know. I'm a geek.

But it's what's ON those little (huge!) pamphlets that is the kicker. All the side effects, all the interactions to watch out for, all the ways it affects your body. The info is vast and overwhelming, and frankly, can be quite scary.

I just usually throw them in the trash.

Trusting in what you DON'T see, can be an important life lesson as well.

****

Back when I started having kids, you wouldn't hardly catch me giving them medicine. Not that I was diametrically opposed to medicine, per se, but I just didn't see the need for it in many of the circumstances people would use it for. I mean, it started before I had kids. I went to birthing classes that focused on "natural labor and delivery without drugs." It just was important to me to keep chemicals out of my kids' systems, and I wouldn't even use some common drugs myself.

And I trust that I wasn't a snob about it. I don't remember being so incredibly die-hard that I would criticize others if they chose differently than me. It was more a personal thing, a mantra, a way of thinking that I subscribed to.

Some of those convictions are still with me today. For example, I haven't owned a thermometer since 2003 when my dog destroyed our last one. Actually, I just bought one a few weeks ago. But seriously, it's the first one since Libby was a baby. The reason being, is because I just didn't feel that I had a need for it. I don't give my kids medicine until they show more signs than a fever, so why care if they have a low-grade fever? And by the time they have a higher one, it's obvious. I mean REALLY obvious. So then, I give them a little something to help them sleep or not suffer too much. But otherwise, a low-grade temp is not on my radar as far as meds go.

I can have a bottle of children's Tylenol in the pantry for a year before it gets used again. Easily.

And we go years at a time without so much as an antibiotic in the house. So yeah, this is just my mentality on it. It's kinda how I think and how I handle these things.

I mean, think about it: what really IS in these chemicals we're putting in our kids' bodies?

I wish Moody were here to break it down for me, because I sure have a hard time feeling ok with it all.

****

Which leads me to my point:

I am feeling REALLY irritated with the fact that I now have not one, but TWO kids on serious levels of medication. Michaela has been on constant meds since 2000 (much to my perpetual annoyance), and Gabe just started his new regimen that rivals his sister's.

Quick fact:

When Michaela first started having seizures, they put her on a drug called Tegretol. Tegretol needs to be increased steadily until you reach the right dose for your height and weight. Back then, they increased the dose 3 times over a period of about 3 weeks.

We saw negative side effects after the first increase. She started not walking right; bumping into walls.

And I about freaked. I remember vividly where I was when I called her pediatrician and hollered at the nurse who took my call, "I don't even give my kids TYLENOL! I am not interested in giving her chemicals that are going to hurt her!!"

She tried to smooth over my ruffled feathers, but I was adamant. We would NOT be upping the dose anymore. The seizures were controlled at the previous dosage, and that's where we would stay, no further discussion.

That didn't last long.

I was soooo naive.

****

And now, here we are, over 10 years later, and the child "I don't give Tylenol to" is now so jacked up on meds that I don't even see the real child that much anymore. She's on 3 seizure meds, 2 anti-psychotics, a prescription laxative, and a chemical to keep her g-tube stoma healthy. Nevermind the vitamin that she really needs (despite her balanced diet) in order to help with side effects. Or the creams and nasal sprays to counter-act side effects as well.

Chemicals.

Chemistry.

C15H12H2O2

Arg. It rubs me raw.

****

And then there's Gabe. With his hacking episodes, we've now seen our pediatrician more times than I can count, a pulmonologist, a speech pathologist, a gastroenterologist, an otolaryngologist, and soon an allergist/immunologist. He's had 2 barium swallow studies, an upper endoscopy, and in May will have his second bronchoscopy. Never mind the x-rays. I can't remember how many anymore.

Between Michaela's issues, and all these doctors scratching their collective heads about what's wrong with Gabe, we've got half a pharmacy at my house: he alone is on 2 different breathing treatments for asthma, a reflux med, an allergy med, a sinus med, and next week he goes on a long-term antibiotic for chronic sinusitis.

The Lord only knows what the allergist will find.

God help me.

Did you count it all?

15.

15 different meds/therapies that these two children need daily.


I'm thinking that I need some Tylenol.

****

And you're probably thinking, "Now hold on, Kelly. 15 seems like a lot, but there are lots of people out there that take that much all by themselves! You shouldn't complain!"

Yes, I know that's right. In fact, I personally know someone, a young child, that likely takes more meds than both of my kids combined. I'm not downplaying the severity of other's daily regimens.

I know it could be worse.

But I'm venting here. Me. I'm venting about MY situation.

First of all, I don't like drugs for me.

Secondly, I don't like drugs in my kids.

Thirdly, at the very least, I don't like multiple drugs in my kids. Polypharm and I don't get along very well. Ok, how about "at all."

Lastly, I have two children on so many drugs that I have to write everything down to keep track!

This is annoying. This is exasperating. This is maybe not even called for.

And frankly, I'm fairly Moody over it.

****

But I don't have much choice in the matter. So we do blood draws to make sure Michaela's liver isn't about to choke on us, or that the levels of drugs in her are not at toxic levels.

Ummmm, that's up for debate. I would argue that they ARE.

But I'm no chemist.

****

And with Gabe, we keep trying something, anything, to see if this kid can get some relief. Maybe this will work. Maybe that will work. Something. Anything.

Everything?

Arg.

And then how do we know which one IS working when it works? And not the other which one?

Arg!

****

So I'm fairly Moody right now.

....I hear that's a chemical reaction.

....but don't take it from me. I'm no chemist.

Hack!

Oh, if it's not one thing...

For the record, I have always been very thankful for the health of my children. I have 5 extremely healthy children, who rarely even get colds. To date, Noah is STILL the only child to ever have an ear infection in his life---and it happened only one time, at that. Can you believe that? How many classrooms of children could claim 4 out of 5 haven't had a simple ear infection? That's so incredible.

Also for the record, Michaela is fairly healthy herself. She rarely gets any sort of cold, flu, or infection either. The first time she ever got an antibiotic was when she got the flu 2 years ago, when she was 11. That's a pretty good track record! Many handicapped children are susceptible to anything and everything that comes their way. Seizure kids usually get hit pretty hard, the sickness symptoms being compounded by the breakthrough seizures that rear their ugly head.

But she does better than most, and is just very healthy everywhere other than her brain.

So, I've made it a point to be grateful and thankful--vocally thankful--for how much I DON'T have to worry about, with the other children.

****

But sometimes, life throws you a curveball.

Such is the situation with Gabe.

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, then you already know what I'm talking about. But in case you're not into those things, here's the scoop:

Gabe coughs.

A LOT.

The vast majority of his coughing happens during meals. He's just going on his merry way, enjoying whatever is on the menu that day, when the hacking starts. Oh, sometimes it's just a little "cough, cough," but about every meal it turns into a "HACK HACK HACK." And this can be so forceful that he can eventually loose his meal.

And break blood vessels in his face.

And make him decide that he doesn't really want to eat THAT badly.

Here's what he ate one day recently (his brother's plate...he doesn't eat this much!)...

And then this is what it did to him...

Poor guy...

I had been hearing about Gabe's issue more and more while I was gone to Children's. People were babysitting him, and noticing that something just wasn't right. Whether he was breathing really bad, or he was just coughing too much, he just wasn't right....and have I had this checked out?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I have.

****

Two year ago, it started. I told our pediatrician about it after a few months, and he agreed with me: it sounds like he's aspirating when he eats. His food goes down the wrong pipe. We tried anti-reflux medication (another reason people cough), and when that didn't work, aspiration just seemed reasonable.

Now, just so you know, I already have one child that aspirates (Michaela) and I'm pretty familiar with how it looks and sounds. I was pretty sure that I now had 2 kids with the same problem on my hands. The big kicker was this: why would an otherwise normal child be aspirating? Michaela's reason is easy: neurological dysfunction. But Gabe is neurologically "intact" and really shouldn't have this issue unless there's some mechanical issue going on.

So, the pediatrician referred us for a swallow study.

And would you believe it, he went through that study (where you eat in front of an x-ray machine) and didn't cough ONE TIME?

Go figure...

So, from all appearances, my hacking child was perfectly fine. And no aspiration to speak of.

But the pediatrician wasn't quite satisfied (good thing, because neither was I), and sent us to a pulmonologist. Who in turn looked at the swallow study, learned that Gabe was the baby of 6 children, and proceeded to take my words out of context and label his coughing as "a behavioral problem." Seriously. He didn't even really examine him. That doc just decided that he was looking for attention, that I must be babying him too much, and that since he passed the barium swallow, nothing was truly wrong.

I was flabbergasted.

I asked him, "So, you're pretty much saying that the only way I can prove that there's something wrong, is to wait until he gets aspiration pneumonia??"

And he said, "I guess. I think you should just ignore it, and he'll stop."

I completely disagreed with his opinion. I knew my kid. I didn't baby him too much. I didn't fawn all over him when he coughed. If anything, I got on his case because he would get to the point of puking all over the place. So I would try to get him to stop coughing, but I wouldn't pamper him because of it. I am the Queen of trying not to "make mountains out of molehills" and Gabe's cough was no different.

But, in order to just suck it up, I said to myself, "Ok, fine. Maybe he's right. We'll prove out his theory. I will completely ignore Gabe and his coughing, and we'll see if he stops 'looking for attention.'"

And that's where I left it...

...over a year ago.

****

But with me gone so much over those 3 months, I wasn't around to "ignore" him. And others, especially my Mom, were a little concerned with his problem.

When I got home for good, and after hearing their concerns, I realized that it had been a good, long while since I had started ignoring the coughing. It was long enough. This needed to be addressed.

Because, like I suspected, he wasn't getting attention, and he wasn't looking for any either.

There was something wrong with my son.

****

So, a couple of weeks ago, I brought him back in to the pediatrician. Again, in spite of the good

swallow study, he agreed with me that it sounds a lot like he's aspirating.

So we redid the study.

And, same thing: Everything looks good. He didn't even cough.

But, the speech pathologist who was there to administer the test, was the same one we had the time previous, and she remembered Gabe. She was pretty irritated that he was back for the same problem, and that it hadn't been addressed fully. And even though the test came back fine, she felt like something had to be done. She pretty much put her foot down and said that something WOULD be done. She let him finish his meal (the test is only about 10 minutes long, and he had more food to eat) so she could watch him further. Sure enough, he coughed. He didn't hack, but she was satisfied that he was indeed coughing when he ate. And that he really didn't want to eat because of it.

In her mind, it started to make sense...

****

See, she knew from his history that he had aspirated a peanut into his left lung 2 years ago. He had to have surgery in order to extract it. The whole episode wasn't the most pleasant thing a child could go through. And he was such a little guy (who is terribly shy), that she was starting to think that his body had developed a habit of coughing to protect that airway.

She knows from her experience, that some people will have these traumatic events, and they will start to instinctively cough. It's their brain's way of keeping that problem from happening again. However, it's an inappropriate response because it's generally not needed--they're not really aspirating. And in an older child or adult, they can retrain their brain to not cough every time they go to eat something. They "talk" themselves out of doing it. And after a while, the cough is a dead issue.

But with Gabe, he wasn't capable of retraining his brain to not cough. He was too young, and not verbal enough to even put into words what was bothering him, so the cough just became a habit his brain formed.

It's not something he has control over. It's not something he's trying to do. It just happens automatically.

But it's not necessary. It has no true purpose.

Yet, it's very much there, and it's only going to get worse as he gets older. He already can have an aversion to eating because of all the coughing (and puking), and he doesn't need that to get even more pronounced.

Well, it's her theory.

Sounds pretty legit to me.

****

So, as of right now, that speech pathologist got us hooked up with another therapist who specializes in correcting these unnecessary coughing spells. Can you believe they actually have someone who does that? Must be a popular problem!

We also have an appointment with a Gastroenterologist to rule out reflux. That was the pediatrician's idea. I think it's possible, at this point, but he has no history of reflux--not even as a baby--and he never responded to the anti-reflux meds that we tried when this all started.

But we'll see. He seems to have more symptoms of reflux now than he did even 2 weeks ago.

And even if that's not it, I totally can see him having that psychogenic cough the therapist described. He doesn't completely fall into that definition either, but it sounds close enough to be the likely culprit.

Either way, I'm glad that something is being done to help this problem. Poor Gabe. He just looks so pitiful when it happens. That video was just the tail end of a very forceful coughing fit he had one day a couple of weeks ago. I videotaped it in order to prove what I was seeing, even if the doctors never got the chance to see it first hand. In the clip, it all started from a chip he ate. However, it usually isn't something so pointy and "cough inducing." He hacks on everything from applesauce to chicken.

Sigh.

If it isn't one thing!

But I trust he'll be doing better by the end of March, when he goes through therapy and sees the GI doc.

Maybe then the hacking will be a thing of the past, instead of something that's been bothering him for over half his life.

Don't Feed the Bears

I've got a nice little system going here.

In the middle of getting Michaela ready for school in the weeee hours of the morning (read: 6:30), I get Noah out of bed so he can start his classes. He, in turn, will get Gabe out of bed for me when he decides to wake up just minutes after I get Michaela on the bus and slip my last cold foot back into bed.

For some reason, Gabe is some kind of weird freak of nature around here. He's the only one of my kids that doesn't like to sleep in. Well, Michaela doesn't like to either, but she can be cajoled back to bed and Gabe can't. It really stinks that he's like this, because I'm somewhat of a night owl and I don't mind getting 8 hours of sleep. Gabe, on the other hand, requires the least amount of sleep of ANYONE in the house. Like I said, he's a freak of nature.

Soooo. The reason I said all that was because Noah is so nice to get him out of bed for me in the morning so I can catch a few zzzz's before starting the day (again). BUT, in order to keep Gabe civil and quiet so the REST of us can sleep, he has to put him in his highchair and get him some breakfast. Which, should really be no big deal.

Yet it IS a big deal. I'm not sure why, but Gabriel is NOT easy to please. First off, he's not patient. He will fuss a blue streak until you get him his sippy cup. That's IF you figure OUT that he wants that. Noah will try to just get him some dry cereal, but Gabe will start fussing about it. So we try the cup, but that just makes him louder until you actually get the thing in his hands. But the peace doesn't always last long after that.

And I just figured out why: Gabe doesn't LIKE dry cereal.

He doesn't particularly like wet cereal either. Well, let me back up here. Gabe would LOVE the sugary cereals that I let the older kids eat (wet or dry), but I just can't bring myself to let him eat that on any sort of regular basis. Not that it's the best for the other kids either, but for the one-year-old? I can't bring myself to do it. So we try to stick to Cheerios or Kix the majority of the time.

The Kix died a hard death pretty quickly. He just wouldn't eat it anywhere near long term.

Now, the Cheerios are a "nay." I think Cooper's eaten more of those than Gabe has.

This whole "no eating cereal" thing has made for one seriously fussy child for the rest of the morning. I mean, he LIVES for lunch. And I must be losing it because I JUST figured this out recently. I mean, for MONTHS I thought that he was just disagreeable or teething.

He was HUNGRY.

Sigh. But being the mother of six that I am, it is not in my nature to make different meals for different kids. If I make oatmeal for breakfast, we all eat oatmeal whether someone wants it or not. If I make eggs and toast, same rule applies. But if I sleep in, then the kids can choose which cereal they want and get it for themselves (ahhh, independence---how sweet is thy name!). So, if Gabe doesn't want to eat cereal on a cereal day, then my first reaction is "tough toenails toots."




"Awww, Kelly! He's a baby....."

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. I can't let just let him starve because he's picky.....

But if he were TWO....now....that would be a different story!




So this not eating breakfast thing is a definite problem. And that's when my wheels started turning. Because, you see, Gabe WILL eat plenty of things. He likes finger foods of many different varieties. He especially likes the fruit snacks that the older kids get.

But that's not decent breakfast food.

Think think think......

What IS decent breakfast food? I mean, what defines breakfast? As a culture, we Americans will eat lots of different things for breakfast: grains, beans, meat, vegetables (you know, in an omelet), of course fruit and dairy, and even cold pizza. But what's the best for a baby? For a little kid?

Not to mention, what's easiest for ME? (or Noah, heh heh)

And this is what I came up with: whatever it is, it should really touch on each of the food groups. You know, the pyramid thing? Grain, meat and beans, dairy, fruit and veggies, and only a smattering of fats.

Ok, think think think.....

For toddlers, grains and fruits are pretty easy to figure out. You could just use raisins and Cheerios. But my kid doesn't LIKE Cheerios. So we'll start with raisins. OK, one down, 4 to go.

Then for dairy, I thought of yogurt. They make yogurt in a finger food version these days: Yogos. But Yogos have the equivalent of candy in the middle, so that was out. But they STILL make yogurt covered raisins.....BINGO! That knocks out two items, all rolled into one!

Ok, now for the meat department. Gabe would gnaw on a beef stick if I gave it to him, but that just seemed kinda nasty for breakfast. So I thought about beans.....hmmmm.....the only beans I could come up with would need to be cooked. But we're looking for finger food here, and baked beans don't fit into that. So, I decided to turn to nuts, and everybody knows what a kid's favorite nut is: peanuts. Peanut butter! Hmmm...finger food? Well.....

How about peanut butter crackers? That would not only take care of the protein department, but ALSO the grain department. Home run! Ritz makes those little peanut butter crackers that are just right for little hands.

That just leaves vegetables. Veggies aren't the easiest to get into a kid's gullet by far, but food makers are getting pretty creative at it these days. One thing I gave Gabe a lot when he was much smaller was the fruit and veggie puffs that Gerber puts out. I looked at the label, and they actually put dried vegetables in these things. Hey, dried, cooked, smashed, it doesn't matter to me! As long as he can eat them by himself, we're good.

So, that just left fats, and I think those get into processed foods by default so I didn't worry about it.

In the end, what I had put together was this:

-Yogurt covered raisins. Dairy and fruit.
-Sweet potato finger puffs. Veggie and grain.
-Ritz bitz peanut butter crackers. Meat (protein) and grain. (And probably some oil too)

I took portions of each and dumped them into a gallon sized Ziplock bag, shook them up and voila! Gabe Food!

Affectionately known as "Gabe's Morning Mix."

And would you believe it? The kid LOVES the stuff. I mean, full-fledged is gonna make himself puke he eats so much. Add a sippy cup of whole milk or 100% juice, and he's turned from a Grizzly Bear in the morning to a Peaceful Doe.

And a quiet one at that. Ahhhhh......sweet sleep at last!

(Oh, and I guess it's good that the baby is eating again. Yeah, that's probably a good thing.)

Growing Up

There's been a whole lotta growing up going on around here. The process tends to slow down once kids get to a certain age, but my 3 youngest are still hitting milestones and keeping things exciting in that department.

Which, I'm thankful it's the 3 youngest, because I'm flat-out not ready for the kind of milestones my 3 oldest are going to throw my way in the not-too-distant future. Can I get an "Amen?"

***

Let's start with Libby:




She just turned five. FIVE. That's just so big! I can't believe she's five now.

Five is so neat to me. A lot like four was, mainly because Michaela never really made it that far. Of course she was that age years ago, but she never really was mentally five or perhaps not even four. So Libby is just this whole new world for me. A five-year-old girl! It's so different from a boy, and five is just pretty big and capable and all. I really enjoy her girlie side, too, which is kinda strange seeing as how I never was very girlie in any sense of the word. But she likes baby dolls, and purses, and shoes, and beads, and pink. Those sections of Toys 'R' Us used to be completely foreign to me, but now I'm starting to enjoy them a bit. It took 30+ years, but I think I'm getting a little girlie too!



She writes her name, reads beginner books (ie: Dick and Jane), can make her own bed, and feeds the cat. She's definitely melodramatic (as a girl should be, I guess), gets hurt somewhat easily, and runs like a .......well, girl. As the "only" girl, she tries to do, be, and play like the boys, but that doesn't always work out. The other day, she ventured into the woods to play with the boys in their forts, but couldn't do it without crying for fear of the unknown and the occasional scrapes the briers produced on her legs. I know she was trying to be brave and boy-like because she told me that when she's 6, she won't cry when she goes into the woods.

I don't know, I think I love her because she cried. She's just everything I'd want a little girl to be.

***

Asher is potty training. I would say he's trained, but last night, he soaked himself in the church nursery. That was the first accident he's had since Tuesday morning, though. That was the morning he decided that he was going to tell me he had to go to the bathroom, and actually went. For MONTHS he has categorically refused to use the potty. I would do everything I could think of, and NOTHING would change his mind on using the diaper OR the floor. Can you believe that? He would use the floor and just act like nothing happened! I mean, he's almost 3 for pete's sake!

But he's a pro now (well except for the problem in nursery). He's in underwear all day without a mistake. That includes naps! I got him some truck pull-ups for the nighttime, but I'm hoping that he will train good in that area as his older brothers and sister did. They didn't need pull-ups very long. I might be able to keep him dry in one package worth. That'd sure be nice. Considering how long he's been in diapers, my pocketbook needs a break!

He looks pretty proud, doesn't he?

***

Gabe is.......




He's the youngest to start. And yes, I know, 13 months is pretty late for most kids, but compared to my others he's early. 3 didn't walk until 15 months, one at 18, and one walked 2 days before 14 months (the previous earliest one). All the kids are getting the biggest kick out of seeing him walk everywhere. Used to be they'd alert me EVERY time he walked a few steps from the table to the couch. Now he walks from one side of the kitchen to the other. He still knows that crawling is the fastest method, but he seems to like being a "big boy" and getting around like the others.

He's chatting quite a bit as well. If you catch him in a good mood, he will all-but talk your ear off. He sounds like he's speaking intelligently, just in a different language. This morning, he was soooo cute by whispering all kinds of sweet nothings to me. If it weren't for the fact he was slobbering all over my nose, it would've been double cute :)

I can't believe my baby's walking. Man, he's gonna be riding a bike in no time. Sure feels weird to know he's the last one and all. I keep expecting to find myself pregnant all the time.

Can't say I haven't enjoyed every second though. Cuz I have.

I guess growing up is hard to do when you're growing old, too.

Where to Begin Again....

Not posting for such a long time has been interesting.

One minute I would be laughing about something and saying, "You know, I oughta post about this!" The next, I'd be grateful that I didn't feel as though I HAD to post about that; to just be able to relish the moment, and move on without recording it.

But I miss writing.

A lot.

***

So much has happened in my life since September 25th. There's probably no way I could go back and remember all the highlights of the past 4 months in a way that would make you feel a part of them. I'd be surprised if I could even recall the events themselves, never mind the details. But for your sakes (and mine, when it comes to archiving), I'm going to try. So here's a short list:

-We went to Campmeeting in September
-Chris was laid off in November
-Gabe turned 1 in December
-Chris started college full-time at the beginning of January
-My cousin AND my sister-in-law were married this past weekend

I've been very faithful to read other people's blogs, in case you were wondering. No, I haven't always been much of a commenter, but many of you got a little note from me here and there. There's something pretty incredible about blogging and the blogger community in general. As long as it's kept in it's place, blogging can be a wonderful outlet and source of information (useful AND useless). I never intended to not be a part of that, but for awhile, I just needed to be an innocent bystander. Just a reader.

And thank God for the readers.

Because so many of you have been a source of comfort and happiness and intrigue to me over the past 2+ years. Your simple words of love or laughter are worth checking my email for. Every time. Thanks for being patient with me.

***

Time heals all wounds, you know.

And just like a doctor takes stitches to close a gash on your arm, I took some stitches and sealed up my heart. This was no superficial cut. No scrape, scratch, small bruise. It was a whopper of a boo-boo, if you will. And I just knew that leaving it open would expose me to too much infection, and too much input, and too much pain in the end. Closing up was a must.

You'll forgive me if I seemed to overreact, won't you? You'll have to put yourself in my shoes, I guess.

Because now I can talk about it. It doesn't bother me like it did before, and for that I'm thankful. But time has had a lot to do with it as well. Life has moved on. That wound is not raw anymore. The stitches are long gone, and the scab is gone as well.

Now, there's just a faint scar that remains....

***

September, Asher had another seizure.

He had not been sick, he had not had a fever. He was playing, and he fell and had a grand mal seizure. My world about stopped.

And I think I hid it well. It was MY nightmare--mine and Chris'. And I just needed to close up. No one else needed the burden, in my mind.

See, it was MORE than just a seizure. Not only was it a seizure without a fever (which, is more problematic, of course), but Chief thought it could potentially be genetic considering Michaela's medical history. And out of all the tests (genetic and otherwise) that she has had done over the years, this particular disease he had in mind she had never been tested for. Essentially, the disease starts as a fever seizure and then about 6 weeks later, the child would have another seizure that was not fever-related. After that, the seizures would come more often and the child would essentially lose their ability to do X, Y and Z.

You know, like Michaela has.

So, we decided to have her tested after Asher had his initial fever seizure. To see if their seizures were genetically linked. I was fairly confident that this disease was not what Asher had. I mean, tons of kids have fever seizures. It really wasn't a big deal. However, seeing as how Michaela has such a bad seizure history, I thought Chief's idea of running the test would be a good idea. You know, just to rule it out. So we ran the test and had to wait 6 weeks.

Sometime during that waiting period, Ash had the second seizure. The one NOT fever related.

6 weeks to the day he had the fever seizure.

Like I said, my world stopped.

***

God says, "I won't give you more than you can handle." and "My grace is sufficient for you." And I believe those words. But there have been plenty of times when I would tell God, "You have a much higher opinion of me than you ought to! I really can't handle THIS much!"

The repercussions of that seizure just never seemed to end in the week after it happened. See, when Michaela was little, we never knew what we were up against. We always had hope that she would get better. That the seizures would get under control in time, and then she'd flourish again, back to her very intelligent, very capable little self. By the time the bomb of her diagnosis hit, we were already in the trenches with a full battle plan. We grew into her regression. We were clueless until her disease is what our lives had already become.

But that luxury would not be there with Asher. If he had that dreadful disease (and by this time, I was pretty convinced even without the results being in), then I knew the road ahead of me. I started mourning that day. All the little smiles and boyish things he did, all the words he would say, and all the years we would see those things melt away. I contemplated them all. I watched him endlessly it seemed, just trying to soak it all in and remember how he "was."

And I worried about Gabe. Seeing as how this seizure monster would be genetic, then there was the potential for Gabe to be affected too (I wasn't worried about the other children, as they were past the age range for it to show up). It was just too much. I tried to put that thought out of my mind for the time being, but the notion just became another facet in a huge realm of awful possibilities.

So, in light of all this, I did the only thing I could think to do:

I stitched up my bleeding heart with positive thinking, prayed that God would steel my mind for the future, and tried to march on like nothing was wrong.

But I couldn't blog. I just couldn't.

***

Six weeks after Michaela's blood work was sent off, it came back.

Negative.

***

It is Chief's thought that Asher's seizure was nothing more than an isolated incident. Fever seizures, like the first one, and regular seizures, like the second, are diagnosed in different categories. They are not considered related. And each category allows for a person to experience ONE seizure of that type without being officially diagnosed or treated. It's like getting a freebie, if you will.

And as Chief said: "He's had his freebie."

And he hasn't had another one since then.

***

Life is back to normal now in so many ways. I'm just being a mom, and taking care of the house, and we're homeschooling, and just doing life. All the children are doing well--nothing to complain about, and Chris is well too.

As for my heart, you can't really tell that I went through this 4 months ago. I laugh as much as I used to, and I don't stay awake at night.

But if you look close....really close.....you'll see a faint line where that gash was. And if you're quick enough, you may see my startled reaction every time Asher falls down randomly or makes a strange snorting sound. You may even hear my heart skip a beat.




Because some scars, you have for life.

And Here We Are

Some things that have been going on around here:


-I finally FINALLY got the cabinet doors up in my kitchen. FINALLY. It looks so much cleaner now. Just makes us want to tackle other projects!

Before

After

-Michaela is still asking to go to the potty. It doesn't happen every day, but every so often, she'll say something like, "We have to go." Which, translated, means, "I have to go...to the bathroom." It took me a while to figure it out. I'd just keep answering her, "No, we're not going anywhere." But she would persist, and it would sink into my ever-tired brain what she was trying to say.

We're not talking potty-training or anything, but it's a nice development. When it happens.


-Michaela will be put on another drug starting next week. This one is a form of valium, called Ativan. For those of you out there who also have a child with LGS, this therapy, using high-dose valium, has helped a lot of other LGS kids in the past. Dr. Gregory Holmes, arguably one of the best pediatric neurologists in the world (and who has seen Michaela), instructed Chief on how to use it safely to help his kids' brains get some relief from the onslaught of seizures. It's taken before bedtime, and appears to help the brain relax. It's only used for a short amount of time. Unfortunately, it can have some pretty serious side effects. Valium is a benzodiazepine that is often used in smaller doses as a relaxant for those suffering with stress or anxiety. It is also used in higher doses to short-circuit a seizure or cluster of seizures. This particular therapy uses the Ativan in a high enough dose to effectively relax you to death. Literally. Like, you stop breathing, you're so relaxed. It's a fine line, but if used correctly, it can be very helpful. Because of this potentially dangerous situation, Michaela will be monitored overnight at the hospital for her first dose. That way, if her respirations are getting too low, they can provide rescue drugs to effectively stop the ativan from hurting her or killing her. That's harsh, but that's what happens. We've done this therapy before, 2 years ago, and it had the desired effect. It helped and didn't hurt. Chief's good. It'll go well, and I'm excited to see her get this boost before school starts.


-We got a sign posted on the road. In a previous post, I mentioned how Boo has snuck out of the house and beelined for the street. Well, when I went to register our cars the other day, I asked the person in charge of roads if there was a way to get a sign up to help protect her in case she got out again. I was told that there is only ONE kind of sign available to alert drivers to children: "DEAF CHILD." They wanted to know if she was deaf. I said she wasn't, but that she was as good as deaf when she was in that frame of mind. They didn't even remotely quibble with me and radioed the sign guy to put up some signs. When I got home later that day, they were already up on both sides of the street. Now THAT's service for ya!



-Caleb turned 6 on Monday! My poor second son doesn't get hardly ANY print on this blog, I realized; much to my shame. I'm not sure why, but he doesn't make headlines for some reason. And that really has to change. Caleb is a very sweet child---always willing to help---and nothing like his brother Noah. For starters, he's dirty blond (as opposed to Noah's dark chocolate brown), and his personality is somewhat clown-ish. Caleb loves to steal the limelight. He's perfectly happy being the center of attention. Unfortunately, this also makes it easier for his Mama to figure out "who-dunnit"......it's usually Caleb.

After a rough couple of weeks last year, we decided to scrap his efforts at school and hold out for this year. So, he'll be in Kindergarten starting next month. Libby is going to attempt to learn by his side, and I hope that his age will give him a bit of an upper hand, and effectually boost his confidence in this area. Thankfully, he's not stupid, but Caleb seems a bit more easy to teach hands-on than with books. I believe this is his year to shine. I changed curriculum, and he should do great.

Happy Birthday to you, Pudge. This is going to be an incredible year for you!


-We just got back from WV, where we were visiting Chris' family. This is a yearly reunion for us at his grandparent's lake home. It is a beautiful spot, and I'm so thankful that my kids get to know and spend time with their great-grandparents. They are truly wonderful people, and I have enjoyed them immensely over the years. I never really knew my great-grandparents. If they were alive when I was, they were unfortunately too aged to spend any quality time with me. Chris' grandparents are in their mid 80's but you'd never know it. His Grandpa played kickball, bocce, washers, and fished with our kids. His Grandma moved furniture (even though I tried to stop her!). They just keep going and going and doing and doing, and are truly examples of older people enjoying life and family. I always miss them when we're not together.

While we were there, Chris' Mom played a trick on Noah. She read about how he has a hard time reading anything other than what he's used to. So, she decided that she would read to the kids every night before bed to try to get him and the others interested in something different. She picked "The Chronicles of Narnia." Well, it worked! Not only were they hooked from the get-go, they simply couldn't get enough of the story and badgered her to read to them practically every time she sat down! We even caught Noah finding a quiet place to read ahead in the book while the others did something else. Her plan was a success, and now the children are listening to the stories from a CD collection of the books we have. I dare say that they're not as good as Grandma though!

Speaking of WV, do you remember what post I wrote from there last year?


-Gabriel is now 6 months old. Can you believe it? How time flies when you're having fun. And we truly are. He's a bundle of joy in every sense of the term. We are living him up to the fullest. I can now see why the youngest gets spoiled---you don't want to let go of them!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

He is actively sprouting his first tooth. I am surprised at how well he is handling the whole thing. He's not terribly fussy about it, and when he does fuss, it doesn't seem as though it's anything other than being tired or hungry. Nothing like being in pain and miserable. Which he must be---if only you saw the awful bulge in his gums! It looks horribly painful! I'm really hoping the tooth will make it's grand entrance tomorrow. It's looked like it's going to bust through for days now.




So, that's what's going on for now. On another note, I can tell now why I'm not posting as much: This takes me too long! This post took me about 2 hours from start to finish. I guess if I didn't put any pics or anything in it, it wouldn't have taken nearly as long, but hey---pictures are the best part! I guess I'll just post every now and then, and try to load them up with a bunch of fun stuff.

We'll see how that goes, I guess.

Day 23: Friday Night Special

Krispy Kreme doughnuts and sweet baby smiles

Mmmmm Mmmmmm

Day 10: Blame It On The Brain

I forgot to post yesterday.

I had a pretty bad headache, and could do nothing but go to sleep when I normally write.

But here's a complimentary pic---just to sooth your feelings......

Day 5: Baby Toes

Gotta love 'em.....
Gotta kiss 'em.....

Day 2: The End of An Era

Gabe's been transferred. To another room. To another bed. So I can get some sleep. So he can get some sleep.

It's the end of an era. The end of baby cradles.

I'm not sure how to feel about this.

Time Flies When You're Spitting Up

Gabe is 3 months old today.

He's huge. 24.5 inches long and over 13 pounds. That's really big for one of my kids. I'd have to look up the others to see where they were at this age, but I just can't believe any of them came anywhere close to the baby elephant that is Gabe Micah.

He just FEELS big. My arms ache after holding him for a while. His legs are scrunched in the side of the rocking chair when he nurses. He's wearing 6-9 month clothes. Where did this baby come from? His Dad and I are roughly the same size--SHORT. Like 5'3" short. Both of us. He's going to tower over us by the time he's 10!

Gabriel has a very sweet disposition though. A very laid-back baby. Easy to please. Sleeps through the night. He's teething like crazy, but you wouldn't know it by his demeanor.

You would, however, by looking at his clothes.

Because he drools.....like crazy.

He's very often, at any given moment, chomping on his fingers ferociously; blowing bubbles until he looks like he's foaming at the mouth; and/or saving his breakfast on his shirt for later. All which provide for a very drippy kid.

So I change him.

And change him.

And bib him.

And change him some more.

But poor thing, he just soaks through everything. It doesn't help that he's been congested too. Which means goopey eyes and snotty nose. He's really just a mess most of the time.

But he's my mess, and I love 'im.

***

So here's some pics I haven't posted yet. Some are from today, his 3 month b-day.

But don't worry. I cleaned him up before taking the pictures. ;)

"Does He Take a Passey?"

No. No he doesn't.

Hey, Baby, You Never Looked So Good....

Gabriel is one month old today.

He slept through the night for the first time.

This little guy has got me WRAPPED, I tell ya.....


And I'm not the only one!





(Did I mention that he's a pro at sleeping?)

Baby Bottoms

One of the first things my husband ever did when he met Michaela for the first time, was check out her backside. I know that sounds weird, but he didn't get to hold her right away because the maternity nurses were doing all kinds of funky stuff to her. They had her layin' out on the isolette, checking her weight, length, putting goop in her eyes, etc. So his first interaction with his child was when she was laying on her stomach under the lights.

And there was her bottom.

We've all heard the phrase, "Soft as a baby's bottom," but here was his chance to prove it.....

And, sure enough, it was pretty stinkin' soft.

***

Baby skin is extremely incredible stuff when it comes to softness. Just silky smooth. Almost glorious. You just want to purr when you rub your face against warm baby skin. There's nothing like it.

And when it comes to putting clothing on a little human that is so fun to touch, the LAST thing you wanna do is scuff it up. Rub it raw. Irritate it. You wanna preserve as much innocence as possible. Even on the skin.

Adding a little bit of fragrance is just a bonus.

Such is life when pampering a newborn's butt. You just don't want to mess it up (they seem to do enough of that themselves). Some really rich guys out there understand this fact, and have introduced every stinkin', smoothin', buttering product known to man---just for our kids' backsides.

Yup, we humans sure pay a lot of attention to baby bottoms.

***

I, especially, like to pay attention to my kids' butts. For some reason, I got overly interested in what goes into taking care of their posterior a few years back. Someone I worked with at the time, brought their toddler into work and was showing off her son's diapers.

I was immediately interested.

Not that diapers are usually a thought provoking conversation piece, but the cool thing about these diapers was that they were handmade.

Yup. She had made her kid some diapers. Out of cloth.

And would you believe it? Those were the coolest things I ever saw (as far as diapers were concerned). I mean, they had a cute print on the outside, and were soft cotton on the inside, and they closed using velcro. So neat. I was instantly fascinated in this world called, "cloth diapering."

I mean, since when did cloth diapers get so "user friendly?"

The more I looked into it, the more it seemed completely do-able to use cloth diapers on my soon-to-be-born baby (my third, Caleb). I was already thinking about the financial pinch it would cause to have a THIRD child in diapers, so I did plenty of research. Come to find out, there were so many different types and styles and patterns to choose from. Not to mention cost. I could spend a little or a lot, or I could make my own. And as far as washing them, I learned that most Moms don't "dunk" their diapers in the toilet like our grandmothers did. New detergents were so effective, that you could simply throw a dirty diaper in a pail, then dump the pail in the washer, add soap, and start it up. Out came clean diapers. No mess, no hassle.

And I really liked the idea of that soft, fluffy cotton on my baby's butt.

(And come to find out, there's nothing like wrapping your child's posterior in a clean, warm, fragrant diaper fresh out of the dryer.......ahhhhhhhh.)

***

I ended up researching everything diaper, and found a cloth diapering style that suited me best. I needed durable (because I knew we were having more kids), easy, and inexpensive. I didn't end up with the fancy type diapers like my friend had made, but what I got, I liked.

And I can't tell you how much money it has saved me to use cloth diapers over the years.

Now, I will say, that I haven't used cloth exclusively on my last 4 children, but every child has had the opportunity to wear them. My diapers have lasted this long, and they still work great. You just aren't wasting your money having cloth diapers around. They're so versatile.

~We use them when a child (even our friends' kids!) has a painful yeast infection.

~We use them to catch drool on a pillow.

~We use some of the worn out ones for cleaning the car (or anything that needs a "soft touch")

~We use them to get on top of recurring diaper rashes.

~Michaela uses our largest diapers as bibs.

And the styles and options keep growing and getting better and even more user-friendly. It's really not a problem to wash, dry, and use cloth diapers. You can even get cloth wipes. I have some, but I found it easier to just use disposable wipes. Especially since I don't use wipes every time I change a diaper.

In general, I would say that disposable diapers are the easiest thing to use when it comes to keeping your child's rear in pristine condition. HOWEVER, most moms find out pretty quick that there's more to life than just convenience, and that includes what's pampering your little one's backside. I mean, how convenient is it to have to keep switching diaper brands because each one makes your baby break out? And how nice is it to hear your little 3-month-old screaming constantly from a horrible yeast infection they got from an antibiotic? Don't forget the price of those things: it's like rubbing your money in doggy doo-doo and throwing it in the trash. Not ideal by far.

So let me just put a bug in your ear: think about using cloth sometime. You've got the internet.....look some stuff up! And if you're not doing the "kid thing" these days, tell someone you love who is. Maybe it's something that would really work out for them.

Here's a website started by a Mom who wants to help people try out cloth. She lets you try different types of diapers for free, just so you can get a feel for what would work for you. Wish she had this up and running when I was looking into it!

And just to whet your appetite, here's some pics of baby Gabe in his favorite fanny fashions:

The diaper part, kept together by a cool "Snappi" gadget (no pins)

A white "snap on" diaper cover, my personal favorite

A very cute velcro print cover that's also very easy to use

Give your soft-bottomed baby the best in bottom attire---cloth diapers!

Cletus Tips the Scales

Guess what y'all?

Gabriel Micah Morris
Born December 28, 2006
11:00 am
21 inches long
9 pounds 13 ounces!!

What a bunch of smarty-pants readers I have :)

Birth day play by play still to come.......I think I need to "forget" a little bit of it before I rehash it again......

(You know, like the size of that HEAD!!!)