Tuesday, November 29, 2005


Suffice it to say, I am a somewhat complicated person. My husband sure thinks so. Every now and then I see him stare and shake his head in amazement at what I've just said, accomplished, confessed, etc. I know this about me, so it's all good.

One thing about me that is NOT complicated, however, is that I believe in God. Even though it's not humanly possible (I realize this), I have been a "believer" since birth. All good Catholics are, you see. And until I was 10, I was a good Catholic.

At ten, I came face-to-face with the fact that God was more than 5 hail marys and confession (scary!) twice a year. Interesting. And being the people person that I am, I thought this "having a relationship with God" concept to be pretty great. There were fringe benefits!

See, I also believed in heaven and hell. "Oh, you're just a product of indoctrination," you say. Perhaps you could call it that. But that's OK. You're indoctrinated too. Maybe just not to believe in heaven or hell. Maybe you're indoctrinated to believe that Ford trucks are the best, or that you shouldn't kill someone, or that you need to compliment your mother's food. Whatever you believe, it's been instilled in you by someone or something. Same with me, and I'm fine with it. I'm thankful for it. Cuz very likely, I'm right about the heaven or hell thing, and I'm doing something about it. I would hate to deny that they exist, only to find out too late that I should have seen a psychiatrist for denial. Or gone to church.....

But this is my motivation. I'm driven. Very driven. Etermity's a loooooooooonnnnnnnngggggg time, and I'm not interested in spending it in a place worse than here. Therefore, ever since I was about 10, I've been interested in doing what it takes to keep my reservation current at God's place. And mind you, it's GOD'S place, so He makes the rules. Sorry 'bout that. You can't get in just cuz you think you should. Or want to. Or said all those hail mary's. He made the directions clear, complete with road maps (kinda like the Mapquest of eternity). If you don't follow them, you get lost....for a loooooooooonnnnnnnnggggggg time.

It seemed to me, though, that I was miserably lost for awhile there in my late teens, early 20's. I knew there was a clear path around here somewhere, but I couldn't seem to find it and get back on track. Come to find out, I was going in the complete opposite direction. Horrifying thought! I talked to God about my problem, and He made arrangements for me to hook up with some people who knew the way.

Grateful me, has been stayin' on the narrow road ever since.

But this journey I've embarked on has required me to sacrifice, and preplan, and abandon, and even cry. I take comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one who's traveled the lonely road. And yes, there's only been one set of footprints sometimes. Yet, I keep seeing the "end" for my "means", and I keep trucking.

Yet, I've found this road to bring me the most joy and fulfillment I've ever known. It's incredible.

And it makes me who I am. Simply put.

I am not the type to gush about religious things. Never have been. But it will come out in my writing, I'm sure of that. Everything I do (or don't do, for that matter) is tainted with the concern of how it will affect my journey and my fellow travelers. So I'm declaring this now, for all of you who don't know me. Kinda like a background check. Just so you know what you're getting into.

Wouldn't want you to be deceived......;)

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