Heartburn Humiliation

Fortunately, I don't have to deal with nausea too much when I'm pregnant. At least, not like some women do. I generally have "all day sickness", as opposed to "morning sickness", and I've hardly ever actual lost my breakfast (or the most recent meal). It just kinda comes for a little bit, and then leaves. On and off throughout the day, for the first 3 months or so. No harm, no foul.

I suppose if I had to deal with very troublesome nausea, I probably wouldn't have allowed myself to get pregnant as often as I have. Partially because, I'm the type of person who would rather feel sick all day and NOT throw up, then throw up and feel better. I hate puking. With a passion. Not that other people do, per se, but I just can't handle it at all. Period. Hate, hate, hate.

Yet, I have this other problem that just makes life miserable for me when I'm pregnant:

Heartburn.

It's just flat out bad. I get it starting in the second trimester (after the all-day-nausea has passed; what great timing) until the day I've given birth. Sometimes I think that it's because the baby is high, but it still comes after the baby drops. So forget that theory. It's just plain ol' misery. Mainly because it hurts like a dickens AND makes you feel like vomiting. How pleasant is that?

So, I live off of Tums. Extra Strength. Berry flavored, specifically. Yum. I tell ya, those things work like a charm. I have used this brand and this flavor for every. single. pregnancy. I used to eat them like candy when I was pregnant with Michaela. I wasn't used to heartburn--don't know that I'd ever had it before, and it was horrid that first time. I'm more used to it now, but I still go through the Tums. Besides, they have calcium. And they taste good. Don't knock it till ya've tried it!

Unfortunately, I don't carry "Candy of Comfort" with me. You'd think I'd understand this by now--this fact that heartburn hits at all times of the day. But since it hits hardest at night, I keep the bottle on my bedside table, where I can reach it in a hurry. After 6 pregnancies, I just haven't figured out that I need to pack some in my purse for those other times when it's just as annoying, and downright painful.

This lack of preparedness became a problem Wednesday night.

I was at church. I had been dealing with the problem since before dinner. However, I got into my "getting ready for church" groove, and I wasn't thinking about it too much. It was generally mild in comparison to some times, so I all but forgot about it.

Yet, when you're sitting in church, and your world slows down a bit, that raging fire starts roaring loud. Ouch.

So I'm thinking, "Gotta do something about this." I decide that if I eat something, perhaps it will neutralize the acid issue. The nursery workers always bring snacks for the toddlers, so I went there to grab a couple of crackers, thinking that would help.

If only.

Nope. Not the solution. And yet, I DO realize that if I go back to my seat and sit down, I'm gonna be even more uncomfortable. Simply because I'm short, and this already high-as-a-kite baby is not helping my throat feel any better. The idea is to remain standing and hope it goes away. So I stand in the back of the auditorium, trying to pay attention despite my predicament.

Advice: If you DON'T have heartburn, and you're standing in the back of the church, make sure to make a mental note of where the light switches are, so you don't hit them by accident.

Advice: If you DO have heartburn, and you're standing in the back of the church, make sure to completely forget where the light switches are, and turn off the lights in the middle of your Pastor's sermon.

The embarrassment is an instant cure. It's proven. Recently.

It sure didn't help my humiliation that at the exact moment I hit the switch, he was saying, "It's good for us to just stand back and take our hands off....."

Fade to dark.

To which he just kept going, "OR maybe I should say, DON'T stand back......" while he's turning the lights back on from where he is.

You gotta know that every wonderful and decent human being in that place promptly turned around to find the culprit.

Which would be ME.

And I can honestly say that the fire in my throat proceeded to invade my entire head, and the all-but-unembarrassable Kelly was horribly humiliated. I was all shades of red. Or vermillion. Or crimson. Take your pick.

But MAN, it sure did help the heartburn.

Too bad you can't put THAT in a Tums bottle!