Thursday, September 21, 2006

Heartburn Humiliation

Fortunately, I don't have to deal with nausea too much when I'm pregnant. At least, not like some women do. I generally have "all day sickness", as opposed to "morning sickness", and I've hardly ever actual lost my breakfast (or the most recent meal). It just kinda comes for a little bit, and then leaves. On and off throughout the day, for the first 3 months or so. No harm, no foul.

I suppose if I had to deal with very troublesome nausea, I probably wouldn't have allowed myself to get pregnant as often as I have. Partially because, I'm the type of person who would rather feel sick all day and NOT throw up, then throw up and feel better. I hate puking. With a passion. Not that other people do, per se, but I just can't handle it at all. Period. Hate, hate, hate.

Yet, I have this other problem that just makes life miserable for me when I'm pregnant:


It's just flat out bad. I get it starting in the second trimester (after the all-day-nausea has passed; what great timing) until the day I've given birth. Sometimes I think that it's because the baby is high, but it still comes after the baby drops. So forget that theory. It's just plain ol' misery. Mainly because it hurts like a dickens AND makes you feel like vomiting. How pleasant is that?

So, I live off of Tums. Extra Strength. Berry flavored, specifically. Yum. I tell ya, those things work like a charm. I have used this brand and this flavor for every. single. pregnancy. I used to eat them like candy when I was pregnant with Michaela. I wasn't used to heartburn--don't know that I'd ever had it before, and it was horrid that first time. I'm more used to it now, but I still go through the Tums. Besides, they have calcium. And they taste good. Don't knock it till ya've tried it!

Unfortunately, I don't carry "Candy of Comfort" with me. You'd think I'd understand this by now--this fact that heartburn hits at all times of the day. But since it hits hardest at night, I keep the bottle on my bedside table, where I can reach it in a hurry. After 6 pregnancies, I just haven't figured out that I need to pack some in my purse for those other times when it's just as annoying, and downright painful.

This lack of preparedness became a problem Wednesday night.

I was at church. I had been dealing with the problem since before dinner. However, I got into my "getting ready for church" groove, and I wasn't thinking about it too much. It was generally mild in comparison to some times, so I all but forgot about it.

Yet, when you're sitting in church, and your world slows down a bit, that raging fire starts roaring loud. Ouch.

So I'm thinking, "Gotta do something about this." I decide that if I eat something, perhaps it will neutralize the acid issue. The nursery workers always bring snacks for the toddlers, so I went there to grab a couple of crackers, thinking that would help.

If only.

Nope. Not the solution. And yet, I DO realize that if I go back to my seat and sit down, I'm gonna be even more uncomfortable. Simply because I'm short, and this already high-as-a-kite baby is not helping my throat feel any better. The idea is to remain standing and hope it goes away. So I stand in the back of the auditorium, trying to pay attention despite my predicament.

Advice: If you DON'T have heartburn, and you're standing in the back of the church, make sure to make a mental note of where the light switches are, so you don't hit them by accident.

Advice: If you DO have heartburn, and you're standing in the back of the church, make sure to completely forget where the light switches are, and turn off the lights in the middle of your Pastor's sermon.

The embarrassment is an instant cure. It's proven. Recently.

It sure didn't help my humiliation that at the exact moment I hit the switch, he was saying, "It's good for us to just stand back and take our hands off....."

Fade to dark.

To which he just kept going, "OR maybe I should say, DON'T stand back......" while he's turning the lights back on from where he is.

You gotta know that every wonderful and decent human being in that place promptly turned around to find the culprit.

Which would be ME.

And I can honestly say that the fire in my throat proceeded to invade my entire head, and the all-but-unembarrassable Kelly was horribly humiliated. I was all shades of red. Or vermillion. Or crimson. Take your pick.

But MAN, it sure did help the heartburn.

Too bad you can't put THAT in a Tums bottle!


baSfsoGp said...

But wasn't the time just absolutely exquisite....

And we all had a really good laugh.

baSfsoGp said...

You have to admit that in turning off lights, you one-upped the kids that sometimes do that.

Kelly said...

Either that, or I demoted myself to the same ranks.....

Adventures In Babywearing said...

So does this mean the baby has lots of hair? I never had heartburn and my kids were baldies!

Kelly said...

All my kids have had hair. Caleb looked bald because he was so blond, but he still had hair. I wouldn't say they had a TON of it though...

...well, at least not compared to SOME kids I know (wink wink Bonnie!)

bonniejean said...

thanks for the laugh that was great!You did say you liked to make people laugh even at your own exspents! ha!ha I really felt for you and I was one that turned around when the lights continued to stay off you looked like you just froze up! Chad had hair and I do not remember any heart burn with him and he had hair. But with audumn I had it bad I can sempatize with you sis that is not fun

JSmith5780 said...

Ahh, I commiserate! I was fortunate to rarely have morning sickness, but the HEARTBURN was enough to make me want to curl into a little ball and hideout from the world. The problem is...I HATE Tums and everything like it. I can't deal with the chalkiness. So I suffered. And the heartburn was FAR worse with my twins than my singlet. Birth could not come soon enough...and that's saying a lot because I love being pregnant.

Hope you remember to always pack tums...and to stay away from light switches :) That's about as good as my little sister projectile vomiting all over the pews during a service. Lots of faces turned very green!


JSmith5780 said...

Should have added for AIB...all my kids had some hair, but not a lot...and very blond.

JeniBeans said...

wow. we spend the better part of the day together today and you didn't even MENTION this to me! I had to come home and actually *gasp* READ IT!

Friend. You've done me wrong.

I still "loveth thee".

I have heard misc. things about the heartburn, Stephanie. Mostly I have heard that it's a girl if you have it bad.

I had it bad with my first, a boy. And Kell here says she gets it every time...from Michaela on I guess that proves that one wrong. None of mine had ALOT of hair either...and I'm telling you, I've had it bad too. I think it depends on the foods, drinks you take in along with good ol' hormones.

They use that last one for everything else so why not this too?

Brooke said...

THat was GREAT! HAHA! You acted like you never knew it happened. Leave it to you to keep such a relaxed face. But I did feel sowwy for you. But hey, with that much composure...Maybe you didn't do it (I thought). LOL! ~

Kim said...

Don't you love it how EVERYONE knows what your facial expression was. (Since we all turned around to look at you :)

Amanda said...

Todd blamed it on Jarad who had just headed out with his Dad. ha! Poor Jared!! I'm with Leah, the way you looked wasn't giving anything away!

Jaylene said...

Ha! You just told on yourself! I wondered who that was but from my up front seat I couldn't see. (I tried!)

J. No said...

It was the Dr. Pepper, jenibeans. You got to lay it down.

FloraBeth said...

Imagine a line full of customers staring at the door you have just come out of and accidentally turning the lights off...(in the credit union) by a line I mean 25-30 people...I feel your pain!!! (and embarassment!)

Malcolm in the Muddle said...

I didn't turn around and I don't think my wife did either. We had no idea you were the culprit!

Alabamabrands said...

Koolaide gave me heartburn so bad!!
Especially with Lexi, my hairiest one.

The light switch one- yeah that was funny, but I don't think it was all heartburn-induced........

Omaloriann said...

Too funny! Thanks for the laugh. I'm not prego - but I feel for anyone with HB - Not Fun. I get it even when I am drinking good ole H2O. I too keep the Tums Co. in business. But have recently found "Rantidine" at the Dollar General Store for $2. Great stuff. If it doesn't hurt the baby, you might want to look into that one.