Saturday, July 28, 2007

One Small Kindness

Well, Michaela has been on the Diazepam (Valium) for a little over a week now.

Things are going......ok. Just OK. I'm pretty sure she's still sleeping instead of seizing through the night. I haven't heard a seizure yet. So that's good. But she's developed a pretty hyper alter ego during the day. More hyper than we've seen her in a long time. I'm sure it has to do with all the sleep she's getting now, but it's seriously getting on my nerves. I mean, I'm not too much of an "in your face" type of gal, and that's ALL she does all day.

She lays on me. She hugs me upteen million times. She waves her hands millimeters from my face. ALL. DAY. LONG.

When she's not doing that, then she's giggling. Incessant giggling. Monotone giggling. Fake sounding giggling. Drive-you-batty-till-you-wanna-cry kinda giggling. Seriously. It's not even close to funny. Or cute.


I feel furthest from "Mom of the Year" at times like this. I get so aggravated with her. Like I must have a short fuse or something--which I don't THINK I do. But she can't help herself. She just does what her short-circuited brain tells her to do. On the other hand, I can't help myself either. These behaviors are irritating. I can't help but be put out by it. Yet, I don't like that the majority of our day together, I'm telling her to "stop", or "go somewhere and play", or "not on my lap Michaela!" It's like we can't get along or something. And I'm left to feel like I'm hurting her feelings. That her Mom doesn't want her around.


After a full day of Crazy Girl and Stressed Mom, I was ready for her to go to bed. My ears couldn't take anymore, and my heart was just....sad. I told Chris that I was at my limit, and could he please take care of the rest of her nighttime ritual? I just needed some breathing room.

So he put her to bed. And like most every night Chris does it, she called for me to come say goodnight to her. I was more than happy to oblige, seeing as how it would mean I was "done" for the day, and I could retire to my bed with a good book.

"Goodnight Sweetheart."

"To be with me?"

"No, Honey. Mama's going to bed now. I'll see you in the morning."

"To BE with me.......please."

The last thing I wanted to do was stay with her. After the day we had. I just needed to go to bed. I was so worn out.

"To be with me Mama......"

Sigh. I just couldn't bear the thought of denying her this one small kindness. After the day we had. So I crawled into the bottom bunk with her and laid beside her.

"To be with me?"

"Yes, Sweetheart. Mama's here. Go to sleep now."

And like my Mother would've, I gently rubbed her back and listened to her deep breathing as she settled in. Surprisingly, it was calming for me too. I thought about when she was small, when it was just her and I, and how she had made me a mother. I wondered about her future. About whether or not I would pray for another day like today-----to hear that fake giggle one more time.

"I like that," she whispered.

So do I, Honey. So do I.


baSfsoGp said...

Your post brought this to my mind:

There are heroes whose names we never hear, a dedicated army of quiet volunteers reaching out to feed the hungry, reaching out to save the land,reaching out to help their fellow man.

There are dreamers who are making dreams come true, taking time to teach the children there is nothing they can't do, giving shelter to the homeless, giving hope to those without. Isn't that what this land's all about?

One by one, from the mountains to the sea, points of light calling out to you and me.

All it takes is a point of light,
a ray of hope in the darkest night.
If you see what's wrong and you try to make it right, then you will be a point of light.

I love that song...
And I think you are a "point of light".

I love and appreciate you

Alabamabrands said...

So sweet :)

jes said...

you are mother of the year every day of your life! i pray that i will be half the mother you are. what you are seeing are the acute issues of your day, but big picture wise, you are an overcomer; these moment by moment struggles are nothing compared to the love you have maintained for her since her birth. love ya girl! and don't you worry, i will take some of the burden off you for a few days next week :o)

JSmith5780 said...

Sounds like my night with Austin! He was very tired and just out of sorts and was either constantly crying or trying to hang on me or telling me he wanted Nana instead of me. Meanwhile I am trying to get clothes packed for the week and feed everyone and get everyone ready for bed. On night's like these my temper is short and I have no patience. And I end up yelling at him which just makes it all so much worse. Once I could finally sit and cuddle, he drifted immediately to sleep after telling me he loved me. God makes kids extra cute so that even when we are frustrated we fall in love with them all over again, every day.

Anonymous said...

I love you Sister Kelly

Karen said...

Kelly that was the sweetest! I love their own little language of how they want things. It makes it all the more sweeter and makes a hard day.......GOOD and well worth the aggrevation!

Oh I get my cute glitter pictures from you just go to their search and type in what you are looking for like....Minnie Mouse or Summertime....But beware it pulls up crazy stuff sometimes so watch for "little wondering eyes"!
So glad this med is working for your Boo, hope it continues and things settle out during the day as well!