One Small Kindness

Well, Michaela has been on the Diazepam (Valium) for a little over a week now.

Things are going......ok. Just OK. I'm pretty sure she's still sleeping instead of seizing through the night. I haven't heard a seizure yet. So that's good. But she's developed a pretty hyper alter ego during the day. More hyper than we've seen her in a long time. I'm sure it has to do with all the sleep she's getting now, but it's seriously getting on my nerves. I mean, I'm not too much of an "in your face" type of gal, and that's ALL she does all day.

She lays on me. She hugs me upteen million times. She waves her hands millimeters from my face. ALL. DAY. LONG.

When she's not doing that, then she's giggling. Incessant giggling. Monotone giggling. Fake sounding giggling. Drive-you-batty-till-you-wanna-cry kinda giggling. Seriously. It's not even close to funny. Or cute.

Sigh.

I feel furthest from "Mom of the Year" at times like this. I get so aggravated with her. Like I must have a short fuse or something--which I don't THINK I do. But she can't help herself. She just does what her short-circuited brain tells her to do. On the other hand, I can't help myself either. These behaviors are irritating. I can't help but be put out by it. Yet, I don't like that the majority of our day together, I'm telling her to "stop", or "go somewhere and play", or "not on my lap Michaela!" It's like we can't get along or something. And I'm left to feel like I'm hurting her feelings. That her Mom doesn't want her around.

***

After a full day of Crazy Girl and Stressed Mom, I was ready for her to go to bed. My ears couldn't take anymore, and my heart was just....sad. I told Chris that I was at my limit, and could he please take care of the rest of her nighttime ritual? I just needed some breathing room.

So he put her to bed. And like most every night Chris does it, she called for me to come say goodnight to her. I was more than happy to oblige, seeing as how it would mean I was "done" for the day, and I could retire to my bed with a good book.

"Goodnight Sweetheart."

"To be with me?"

"No, Honey. Mama's going to bed now. I'll see you in the morning."

"To BE with me.......please."

The last thing I wanted to do was stay with her. After the day we had. I just needed to go to bed. I was so worn out.

"To be with me Mama......"

Sigh. I just couldn't bear the thought of denying her this one small kindness. After the day we had. So I crawled into the bottom bunk with her and laid beside her.

"To be with me?"

"Yes, Sweetheart. Mama's here. Go to sleep now."

And like my Mother would've, I gently rubbed her back and listened to her deep breathing as she settled in. Surprisingly, it was calming for me too. I thought about when she was small, when it was just her and I, and how she had made me a mother. I wondered about her future. About whether or not I would pray for another day like today-----to hear that fake giggle one more time.

"I like that," she whispered.



So do I, Honey. So do I.