Don't Feed the Bears

I've got a nice little system going here.

In the middle of getting Michaela ready for school in the weeee hours of the morning (read: 6:30), I get Noah out of bed so he can start his classes. He, in turn, will get Gabe out of bed for me when he decides to wake up just minutes after I get Michaela on the bus and slip my last cold foot back into bed.

For some reason, Gabe is some kind of weird freak of nature around here. He's the only one of my kids that doesn't like to sleep in. Well, Michaela doesn't like to either, but she can be cajoled back to bed and Gabe can't. It really stinks that he's like this, because I'm somewhat of a night owl and I don't mind getting 8 hours of sleep. Gabe, on the other hand, requires the least amount of sleep of ANYONE in the house. Like I said, he's a freak of nature.

Soooo. The reason I said all that was because Noah is so nice to get him out of bed for me in the morning so I can catch a few zzzz's before starting the day (again). BUT, in order to keep Gabe civil and quiet so the REST of us can sleep, he has to put him in his highchair and get him some breakfast. Which, should really be no big deal.

Yet it IS a big deal. I'm not sure why, but Gabriel is NOT easy to please. First off, he's not patient. He will fuss a blue streak until you get him his sippy cup. That's IF you figure OUT that he wants that. Noah will try to just get him some dry cereal, but Gabe will start fussing about it. So we try the cup, but that just makes him louder until you actually get the thing in his hands. But the peace doesn't always last long after that.

And I just figured out why: Gabe doesn't LIKE dry cereal.

He doesn't particularly like wet cereal either. Well, let me back up here. Gabe would LOVE the sugary cereals that I let the older kids eat (wet or dry), but I just can't bring myself to let him eat that on any sort of regular basis. Not that it's the best for the other kids either, but for the one-year-old? I can't bring myself to do it. So we try to stick to Cheerios or Kix the majority of the time.

The Kix died a hard death pretty quickly. He just wouldn't eat it anywhere near long term.

Now, the Cheerios are a "nay." I think Cooper's eaten more of those than Gabe has.

This whole "no eating cereal" thing has made for one seriously fussy child for the rest of the morning. I mean, he LIVES for lunch. And I must be losing it because I JUST figured this out recently. I mean, for MONTHS I thought that he was just disagreeable or teething.

He was HUNGRY.

Sigh. But being the mother of six that I am, it is not in my nature to make different meals for different kids. If I make oatmeal for breakfast, we all eat oatmeal whether someone wants it or not. If I make eggs and toast, same rule applies. But if I sleep in, then the kids can choose which cereal they want and get it for themselves (ahhh, independence---how sweet is thy name!). So, if Gabe doesn't want to eat cereal on a cereal day, then my first reaction is "tough toenails toots."




"Awww, Kelly! He's a baby....."

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. I can't let just let him starve because he's picky.....

But if he were TWO....now....that would be a different story!




So this not eating breakfast thing is a definite problem. And that's when my wheels started turning. Because, you see, Gabe WILL eat plenty of things. He likes finger foods of many different varieties. He especially likes the fruit snacks that the older kids get.

But that's not decent breakfast food.

Think think think......

What IS decent breakfast food? I mean, what defines breakfast? As a culture, we Americans will eat lots of different things for breakfast: grains, beans, meat, vegetables (you know, in an omelet), of course fruit and dairy, and even cold pizza. But what's the best for a baby? For a little kid?

Not to mention, what's easiest for ME? (or Noah, heh heh)

And this is what I came up with: whatever it is, it should really touch on each of the food groups. You know, the pyramid thing? Grain, meat and beans, dairy, fruit and veggies, and only a smattering of fats.

Ok, think think think.....

For toddlers, grains and fruits are pretty easy to figure out. You could just use raisins and Cheerios. But my kid doesn't LIKE Cheerios. So we'll start with raisins. OK, one down, 4 to go.

Then for dairy, I thought of yogurt. They make yogurt in a finger food version these days: Yogos. But Yogos have the equivalent of candy in the middle, so that was out. But they STILL make yogurt covered raisins.....BINGO! That knocks out two items, all rolled into one!

Ok, now for the meat department. Gabe would gnaw on a beef stick if I gave it to him, but that just seemed kinda nasty for breakfast. So I thought about beans.....hmmmm.....the only beans I could come up with would need to be cooked. But we're looking for finger food here, and baked beans don't fit into that. So, I decided to turn to nuts, and everybody knows what a kid's favorite nut is: peanuts. Peanut butter! Hmmm...finger food? Well.....

How about peanut butter crackers? That would not only take care of the protein department, but ALSO the grain department. Home run! Ritz makes those little peanut butter crackers that are just right for little hands.

That just leaves vegetables. Veggies aren't the easiest to get into a kid's gullet by far, but food makers are getting pretty creative at it these days. One thing I gave Gabe a lot when he was much smaller was the fruit and veggie puffs that Gerber puts out. I looked at the label, and they actually put dried vegetables in these things. Hey, dried, cooked, smashed, it doesn't matter to me! As long as he can eat them by himself, we're good.

So, that just left fats, and I think those get into processed foods by default so I didn't worry about it.

In the end, what I had put together was this:

-Yogurt covered raisins. Dairy and fruit.
-Sweet potato finger puffs. Veggie and grain.
-Ritz bitz peanut butter crackers. Meat (protein) and grain. (And probably some oil too)

I took portions of each and dumped them into a gallon sized Ziplock bag, shook them up and voila! Gabe Food!

Affectionately known as "Gabe's Morning Mix."

And would you believe it? The kid LOVES the stuff. I mean, full-fledged is gonna make himself puke he eats so much. Add a sippy cup of whole milk or 100% juice, and he's turned from a Grizzly Bear in the morning to a Peaceful Doe.

And a quiet one at that. Ahhhhh......sweet sleep at last!

(Oh, and I guess it's good that the baby is eating again. Yeah, that's probably a good thing.)

I Watched Julia Child as a Child

I like Food. Yup. Definitely like lots of stuff about food. It's taste, it's texture, it's smell, it's ability to stop my stomach from grumbling. There's just not a whole lot you can dislike about food. Food is a very likeable substance.

Unless you're on a diet.

And THEN food is oftentimes the "enemy."

But no more! I have learned that food and I can co-exist peacefully with my waistline still intact! I just have to TRICK the food into being more.....friendly. More.....anti-flub. More good! Yet....er.....good that's......good! Good.....for ME! And the rest of me......and the rest of me that likes food a lot.....

Yes. Well. You know what I mean.

So, in the spirit of some of my favorite food blogs (yes, there IS such a thing. Do you doubt me?), I have decided to demonstrate the proper preparation technique for GOOD food preparation. The kind of preparedness one would need when they are preparing to prepare GOOD food. As opposed to BAD food (yes, there MUST be such a thing. But I doubt me...).

For my first preparedness seminar, I shall prepare a classic dish of unclassic proportions:

Lasagna!

Yet, not lasagna....

Vegetable Lasagna!

Come come, I will SHOW you........

***

First you must hunt and gather. THESE are the items you must retain for our purposes:
-Lasagna noodles (whole wheat!)
-Olive oil (Omega 3!)
-Cooking spray
-1% milk (low fat!)
-Flour
-Ricotta or cottage cheese (part skim!)
-Mozzerella cheese (part skim too!)
-Garlic (nature's gold)
-Salt, pepper, and nutmeg (optional)
-Parmesan cheese
-Veggies: zucchini, yellow squash, onion, frozen spinach, carrots, broccoli

Once you have all these fine ingredients together (Kevin, no fussing!), you start with the onions. You must Peel the onions (2 cups worth, or 2 med sized), and Chop the onions, as I have done here.
Small chopping here, no big stuff allowed!









Then , you spray your cooking spray in a fine pot of large-ish proportions (word of the day!), and saute (cook until soft) your 2 cups of onions on med-high heat, as I have done here. Once the said onions are somewhat limp, you add 4 cloves (2tsp) of minced garlic. Then you push all that around in your large-ish pot to get that nice and hot and limp as well. Once the onions start to get a little brown in some areas, dump it all into a large bowl and set it aside.




Next, you chop up those wonderful squashes into small bites and dump the lot o' them into your pot. You should have about 2 cups of each variety, or just throw measurement to the wind and use two of each. Whatever suits your fancy. Add a little olive oil to keep them company and turn on the heat!










You need to saute them until they look like this:


Limp.

Mmmm. We LOVE limp veggies :)


Once they reach that point, throw them in the bowl with the garlicky onions.




Now for the carrots. You'll need to cut these up somehow, and make them lasagna worthy. I used a cheese grater and that worked fine. The carrots didn't know what hit 'em. 2 cups worth or two good sized ones should do the trick. Add some more olive oil and heat, and stir 'em up.

(The lone zucchini in the picture must be really self-absorbed to make sure his picture was taken TWICE.)





Again, LIMP is the goal. Once that is achieved, add 2 cups of chopped broccoli (I know, I know, someone has a 2 cup fetish--I didn't write the recipe!). I cheated and bought a broccoli cole slaw where the broccoli was chopped into the fine lengths you see here. I had to pick out the red cabbage, but it was a small price to pay. Hey, they even threw some carrots in there---Bonus!






Like before, cook the broccoli/carrot mixture until tender and then throw them into the onion/garlic/squash bowl of fun. Add about 1/2 tsp of salt in there and mix it all up.

Now forget about it for a while.








I guess now could be a good time to turn your oven on. You could wait until the pasta is cooked if your oven preheats quickly (like mine), or you could get a head start on it. Whatever you like, ok? 375, in case you're wondering.









Next step: the sauce. Magnifique! Ya gotta love sauce! White sauce! YUM!

Take your all-purpose vegetable limping large-ish pot and rinse it out. It must be made sauce worthy now.

Dump a 1/2 cup of flour in there--go ahead, it won't feel it. Then 3 and 1/2 cups of milk. Get the cobwebs off your wire whisk and put that baby to work. Add some bubble making heat and stir away! We're looking for thick, here, people. Thick! There'll be NO wimpy thin sauce in THIS lasagna!

While you're waiting for the sauce to thicken, get out another pot of large proportions and boil water in it. This is for the lasagna. I suggest you lay your pasta in the boiling bath and let it sliiiiither down into the warmth as it cooks through. Don't break, beat, or mash your noodles. You can gently guide them down, but don't force. Lasagna noodle cooking is an art. It must be handled properly.

And don't take them out until they're LIMP. Limpness is important!


Now, back to the pot o' sauce. Once thickness has arrived (like ranch dressing, we'll say), bless it with a 1/2 t of salt, 1/4 t of pepper, and dash of nutmeg.

Or, you could be like my friend Amie, totally disregard the spice instructions, and dump whatever you like in there. You're the one who's eating it. I could care less.

Whisk it up until it's evenly distributed.




So, here's where we're at: the veggies are hanging out, the water has boiled, the noodles are limping, and the sauce is thickened and spiced.

What you need to do next is make sure your bag of frozen spinach is thawed out. If it isn't, then take the bag and put it in a hot water bath for a while (nothing but the best for OUR veggies!). Once thawed, drain and massage all the water out of the spinach (read: grab chucks and squeeze the spinach as dry as possible, making balls)







Then take those wads of green goodness and sprinkle them over your sauce (maybe not the whole lot--about 3/4 of it). Add a 1/2 cup of Parmesan cheese, and stir it all up. It should look like what you see here.



Then forget about it for a while.






Since those noodles are done, drain them and let them get ready for their sole purpose in life. I find that a wire rack dries them fairly quickly, making the noodles easier to lay into the dish. I drain them first, then I lay them out for a minute, then I stack them on a plate until they're needed.

You can do it however you like. Just make sure they're in their place when their king shall call for them.




Next on the agenda is to make the cheese spread. Many people like cottage cheese in their lasagna, but I'm a ricotta girl, so that's what I used. A carton of ricotta, and 1 and 1/2 cups of the mozzerella. I mixed them up, and this is what I got. No egg here folks. Just the cheese and the cheese. Set it aside.



I said NO egg....don't put one in! I'm tellin' ya!



Now, we're down to the fun part: the assembly. At this point, you should have: cooked noodles, a bowl of cooked veggies, a pot of thick spinach sauce, a bowl of ricotta/mozzarella, and a pre-heated oven.

Spray the bottom of your 13x9 baking dish with the cooking spray. Then take 1/2 cup of the spinach sauce and spread it out on the bottom of the dish. Lay 3-4 noodles on top of that.










Then, spread 1/2 of the ricotta/mozerella mixture over the noodles. Don't skimp! 1/2 does the trick!

After that's all even, then you can do the same with 1/2 of the veggies. Spread those out evenly. You gotta make sure every bite is consistent. Don't fall asleep on this step!






Next is the spinach sauce--about 1 cup worth. So at this point, you should have the base: spinach sauce then noodles. Then you have the first layer: cheese mixture, veggies, and spinach sauce again.



Then ya do it all over again.

The layer, that is. Not the base. That was just to be a base. Not a layer. Get it?



After you're done your second layer, top it with another set of noodles, the rest of the spinach sauce, 1/2 cup of Parmesan, and as much mozzarella as you prefer. This is the finished, yet not edible product.


(Yes, I know you can eat it, but you won't! You won't! You MUST cook it first!)





(Look at that layering........ohhhhhhhh......)


Anyhow, you must now cover your concoction with foil and bake it for 20 minutes. Not 22, not 13. I said 20. Follow me, as I follow the directions here people.

Then, you UNcover it and bake it for ANOTHER 20 minutes.





and you wait.....


and you wait......


and you clean your messy kitchen......





















And finally what you get is this:

Oooooo, La la!!!

(drool drool.....)

And this is how it looks on your plate:

The yum factor on this dish got 6 stars (one for every person who ate it). I thought it needed a little salt, but, eh, who cares? Salt is easy! Healthy, yummy, mouth watering on a diet is NOT. If you want nutrition information on it, email me. But if you try it, let me know. I had fun making it, even though it's a long process (especially when you're, ahem, taking pictures). It's a good make-ahead Sunday dish, or Saturday time-to-waste meal. We added some chicken breast on the side to round it out.

And just to give credit where credit is due, this is a Cooking Light recipe. Light! It's GOOD for you! Anti-flub!



Ahhhhhh......you can all eat a little easier now.....

Growing Up

There's been a whole lotta growing up going on around here. The process tends to slow down once kids get to a certain age, but my 3 youngest are still hitting milestones and keeping things exciting in that department.

Which, I'm thankful it's the 3 youngest, because I'm flat-out not ready for the kind of milestones my 3 oldest are going to throw my way in the not-too-distant future. Can I get an "Amen?"

***

Let's start with Libby:




She just turned five. FIVE. That's just so big! I can't believe she's five now.

Five is so neat to me. A lot like four was, mainly because Michaela never really made it that far. Of course she was that age years ago, but she never really was mentally five or perhaps not even four. So Libby is just this whole new world for me. A five-year-old girl! It's so different from a boy, and five is just pretty big and capable and all. I really enjoy her girlie side, too, which is kinda strange seeing as how I never was very girlie in any sense of the word. But she likes baby dolls, and purses, and shoes, and beads, and pink. Those sections of Toys 'R' Us used to be completely foreign to me, but now I'm starting to enjoy them a bit. It took 30+ years, but I think I'm getting a little girlie too!



She writes her name, reads beginner books (ie: Dick and Jane), can make her own bed, and feeds the cat. She's definitely melodramatic (as a girl should be, I guess), gets hurt somewhat easily, and runs like a .......well, girl. As the "only" girl, she tries to do, be, and play like the boys, but that doesn't always work out. The other day, she ventured into the woods to play with the boys in their forts, but couldn't do it without crying for fear of the unknown and the occasional scrapes the briers produced on her legs. I know she was trying to be brave and boy-like because she told me that when she's 6, she won't cry when she goes into the woods.

I don't know, I think I love her because she cried. She's just everything I'd want a little girl to be.

***

Asher is potty training. I would say he's trained, but last night, he soaked himself in the church nursery. That was the first accident he's had since Tuesday morning, though. That was the morning he decided that he was going to tell me he had to go to the bathroom, and actually went. For MONTHS he has categorically refused to use the potty. I would do everything I could think of, and NOTHING would change his mind on using the diaper OR the floor. Can you believe that? He would use the floor and just act like nothing happened! I mean, he's almost 3 for pete's sake!

But he's a pro now (well except for the problem in nursery). He's in underwear all day without a mistake. That includes naps! I got him some truck pull-ups for the nighttime, but I'm hoping that he will train good in that area as his older brothers and sister did. They didn't need pull-ups very long. I might be able to keep him dry in one package worth. That'd sure be nice. Considering how long he's been in diapers, my pocketbook needs a break!

He looks pretty proud, doesn't he?

***

Gabe is.......




He's the youngest to start. And yes, I know, 13 months is pretty late for most kids, but compared to my others he's early. 3 didn't walk until 15 months, one at 18, and one walked 2 days before 14 months (the previous earliest one). All the kids are getting the biggest kick out of seeing him walk everywhere. Used to be they'd alert me EVERY time he walked a few steps from the table to the couch. Now he walks from one side of the kitchen to the other. He still knows that crawling is the fastest method, but he seems to like being a "big boy" and getting around like the others.

He's chatting quite a bit as well. If you catch him in a good mood, he will all-but talk your ear off. He sounds like he's speaking intelligently, just in a different language. This morning, he was soooo cute by whispering all kinds of sweet nothings to me. If it weren't for the fact he was slobbering all over my nose, it would've been double cute :)

I can't believe my baby's walking. Man, he's gonna be riding a bike in no time. Sure feels weird to know he's the last one and all. I keep expecting to find myself pregnant all the time.

Can't say I haven't enjoyed every second though. Cuz I have.

I guess growing up is hard to do when you're growing old, too.

Thieves!

Chris has been neglecting the bird feeder lately (one of his "jobs" around the house), but in light of his current busy-ness, I let him off the hook.

The birds, on the other hand, are really quite perturbed and have resorted to desperate measures.

Namely, eating the cat's food.



Here's our resident cardinal and his mate. They had been pilfering earlier, but didn't like the fact that I was trying to take their picture.



This happened this past Saturday. Chris was home, and he saw what they were doing.

Needless to say, the bird feeder, is now full.

...at least for a couple of days.

Happy 100th

To Libby and Caleb, who are doing SPLENDIFEROUS in Kindergarten this year! Happy 100th school day!



Only 70 more to go........

Calculus and Catastrophic Epilepsy

So Chris is in college again. But many of you know that. What you may not know is that he's taking Calculus. He took this class 14 years ago, when he was in college the first time.

And he didn't do so hot. I think he got a "D."

Some would say (ie: Chris) that the reason he did so poorly was a combination of 3 reasons: he was goofing off in school, he had a bad professor, and he was dating me. Why I would have anything to do with his poor grade, I have no clue, but that's what some would say.

Either way, he's re-doing the class, and doing rather well this time (funny how I'm still in the equation, no pun intended). It was rough for him at first, seeing as how calculus is somewhat of a higher math, and he just hasn't had to think that hard for many years. So of course, I'm trying to do what I can to help him through it. At first, I suggested that he teach what he learns to me, so that it would help him solidify the concepts. He didn't think that would go so well. Fine. Next I suggested that he show me what to quiz him on. Again, that didn't suit him.

But, in an unconscious way, he's picked his method: he comes home and at random times (usually when I ask him how class went), he goes off into this grand dissertation on integrals, limits, functions, derivatives and what-not. To which my mind starts swimming and I am officially speechless AND clueless.

As the saying goes, "It's all Greek to me!" so I just nod my head and let him ramble.

But one thing I've picked up on, is that there is a fair amount of trigonometry intermingled in calculus. I know this because he's often hemming and hawing about how he remembers nothing about trig and really could use a refresher course.

Trig, on the other hand, is something I remember a bit about.

And truth be known, I've lived in a literal sine-wave for years now.

***

Yesterday was our bi-annual trip to see Chief.

Bi-annual is just a loose term. It usually ends up being somewhere around quad-annual, but we shoot for bi-annual. February and August. That's the goal. We almost made it last year. Maybe we'll be able to do it this year, we'll see.

But at this appointment, we didn't have a whole lot to talk about, and that's a good sign. For a long time now, Michaela's been stable.

I can't remember the last time she was tube-fed.

The wheelchair is in storage--pulled apart into different pieces.

I even put away almost all her bibs and her drooling medicine (a couple showed up after doing some cleaning). I'm glad not ALL of it was put up, because there have been a few days here and there where she seems to "slump" and needs a bib and some meds. It doesn't last all that long--just a couple of days. Then she's back to her normal self.

But for the past couple of months, she's had quite a few ups and downs. Seems like every other week she's having her obligatory "bad days." Bad days where she doesn't talk a whole lot, drools quite a bit, and gets kinda stuck. She slowly starts to lean in her seat, like she's going to fall over. She picks up something, and her arm stops....hanging in mid-air.

One minute she'll pick up her spoon, put a bite in her mouth, and start to chew. The next minute, this happens:



And some might think that this is one of those "staring seizures," but it's not. In a true absence seizure, you can't "wake" them up. They come out of it on their own. But when she's like this, you can kinda un-freeze her by saying her name or moving her. She even functions better when standing up. Maybe some day I'll get a video of it. It's pretty interesting.

But this is about 35% of her life right now.

The other 65% is like this:



Nothing to sneeze at, I know. We'll take the smiles. Even if it's only two-thirds of the time.

But yesterday, Chief and I were discussing some of the finer points of trigonometry: specifically how sine relates to Michaela's version of LGS.

See, the wave used to appear like this:

Higher highs and lower lows. The intervals being fairly close together.

Now, we're seeing something more like this: Kinda like a kiddie coaster at a cheap carnival. Not very scary. The intervals may be just as close together, but the intensity is definitely less. Would I like the intervals to be farther apart? Sure. And there's been times when it has been. We're going to up her meds to see if that helps, but I guess, in the grand scheme of things, this is a pretty decent wave we've got going here.

And THAT, my friends, could be a "sine" of even better things to come ;)




(because even I know how to do that kind of math......................but don't tell Chris)

Homeschool Happiness

Today is track separation/DVD making day.

The day where I let Noah use my laptop for his video school, and I create DVDs of his classes for his school weeks to come. This is THE hardest part of my homeschooling week now, and I'm really not doing it justice by calling it hard. It's not hard at all. Time consuming, yes, but it's really not difficult in the least.

We're now using the Bob Jones University Satellite program, and it's the best thing that's happened to us. On one hand, I LOVED researching my curriculum every year. Poring through brand new textbooks, going to the curriculum fairs to find the best deal, getting just the "right" match for my kids for school. Yet, this method was only the beginning of the homeschool year for me. After I decided on what they'd do for the year, then I'd have to order it and figure out the schedule for the entire year.

Then I'd have to teach it. Every day.

But not anymore! With the BJU video program, very experienced teachers are relaying the different concepts to my kids every day. So far (which may not always be), I am using their entire curriculum (well, everything I would've taught) instead of hodge podging it. So I'm not spending my spring figuring out what we're doing for school.

That's Bonus #1.

So now I order the books I need for the classes, and record those classes onto a DVD recorder directly from a special satellite. The satellite ONLY has the classes and programs from BJU; 4 channels of it. The satellite receiver box and the recorder are programmed to pick up the classes I want, and record them (sometimes during the night!). Each class is engaging, age-appropriate, and taught by very experienced teachers. It's like having the best come to my house each day and teach my kids. They even have special guests and show the kids far away places that I would never be able to accomplish on a field trip.

That's Bonus #2.

BJU also offers these classes on pre-made DVDs. However, because of the size of my family, the satellite option allows me to make the DVDs myself and SAVE them for the kids who will use them in a couple of years. The DVD lease option only allows you to use them for one year before you send them back (great for families with one or 2 kids). So, the books and classes I have now, I can use for Caleb and Libby and Asher and Gabe. Now that's a bargain!

That's Bonus #3.

I also am not worrying if I'm teaching things right or if he's learning what he needs to know for the future. Even though I liked mixing curriculums in the past, there was always that fear that I was missing something in the mix, or something was being forgotten that he'd need to know. Now, with using BJU materials, I know that the scope and sequence is right on track and even ahead of the public school kids at times. Bob Jones University has been in the curriculum business for a good long while (Chris and I used it when we were in school), and they're considered one of the top all-around curriculums out there. Some kids that graduate from high school after using BJU material are going to the major military academies and ivy league schools. They just flat-out produce an excellent product for educating our kids.

That's Bonus #4.

But best of all, is the fact that I am successfully juggling my Homeschool/Housewife/Mommy duties in a much more efficient way. Whereas before, my house had to be neglected in order for me to homeschool, I can continue to maintain my daily housework, while the kids are being taught. BJU says their video programming is not a substitute for me (being the teacher), but that's not exactly true. They ARE a substitute for my time, and even though I still help with classwork and explaining concepts, I don't have to teach the concepts completely for a half hour per class. I can clean up the kitchen or fold laundry while he's doing the video. He knows where I am if he has a question. If he doesn't have a question, he just does what he's told to do as far as assignments.

And I'm not being constantly interrupted by my little ones anymore. They can interrupt me all they want now, I'm not teaching! My school days are not being sabotaged by fussy babies and sick toddlers. Poor Noah is not having to wait for me, wait for me, wait for me all the time while I take an important phone call from Michaela's doctors/social workers/teachers. If he DOES need me, and I'm not available for the above reasons, then he can easily pop in the DVD for a different class while he's waiting. Talk about effective use of time! He can even take this on road trips or vacations if need be. The versatility is priceless.

That's 5 bonuses, and maybe even more that I can't think of right now. I can't say enough good stuff about this homeschool program!

But in the interest of being "fair and balanced," I'll give you the cons as well:

-The startup cost is significant. The satellite/receiver is roughly $300. I got mine on SALE for $50 (which is also the sale going on now! Until Dec!), and many people are able to find a deal of some sort on it. But that's the cost for it retail. Then there's the DVD recorder you would need in order to record and store the classes that are broadcast every day. Some people already have these, but you NEED to have one with a hard drive. It's a MUST. I got one used from another BJU family for $200. That was a good deal. Some have gotten them cheaper than that. They retail for $200+ depending on the size of the hard drive. You can also broadcast the classes directly to your computer and buy software that will burn them onto DVDs, but this is costly as well.

-There is a monthly subscription fee. $50. All year long (there are classes that broadcast all year). And you're supposed to continue paying that fee even when you've recorded all the classes you want--for as long as you're using the DVDs you made. We just consider it another bill. It's not a huge expense, and we're used to paying it automatically every month. It's an INVESTMENT in my kid's education. It's an investment in my time and sanity. I can handle 40 bucks a month. But it's every month, and some people would consider that an annoyance. I don't think it's as much as some people pay for their digital cable satellite fees. And it's definitely not anywhere near as much for private school.

-There is a registration fee for each class. This is NOT mandatory, but it is highly recommended. The registration covers the fee for additional materials the satellite teacher wants the kids to have (like bonus material, aside from the straight curriculum, that they use to "spice" up the class), and it allows you a free replacement copy of the classes if BJU has a broadcast problem. They will send you a free copy if you're registered. If YOU make the mistake and you need a replacement copy, then you can buy it from them if you're registered. Otherwise, you're up a creek (unless you know someone who is also recording that class, like I've done many times even though I'm registered). The fees are usually $10/class for elementary classes, $20 for secondary classes, and $40 for high school classes. This is a one-time fee, and you won't need to do it for the other kids that use that class in future years.

-You need to put the classes on DVDs (which you have to buy. I usually get mine for $25/100). This is pretty time consuming. The classes are broadcast in one "blockfeed" for an entire week. So, for instance, if your child is doing 4th grade Science, then an entire week's worth of Science classes for 4th grade comes in one lump. You have to separate those individual classes so that your child can skip to the day they're working on. Back in the day, people used to use VCRs and it was no problem to just stop the tape at the end of the class and it was ready for the next day. But DVDs don't work like that, so you have to put "markers" in between each class, so you can skip to the next track on the disk every day. It's not hard work; it just takes time. BUT, it's time I can spend whenever it's CONVENIENT for me--not just during school hours. I've done some separating while waiting for water to boil, the washer to finish, or while the kids are asleep and Chris is studying. I will do a little bit during the week, and do the bulk on Friday (a day when I'm not recording anything). I also have 4 classes that record on Saturday, and I'll separate and burn those as they finish. That way, I have a free hard drive for the new week of classes that starts on Sunday.

Other than these reasons, I can't think of anything else negative about this method. It is such a lifesaver for us. I was always stressed with school: getting it done, getting the housework done, giving the babies attention, doing it all right. I'm still not the best at housework, but at least I can keep on top of it. And I don't have to worry about taking care of some business phone calls. Or stopping school to change a diaper/nurse a baby/give out some discipline. And I'm not worried about the kids getting a good education.

I homeschool my kids because it's important to me to have them here with me and not be gone 8 hours in the day. It's important to me to teach them and train them up in the right way. To not expose them to the bad things in society that they can't handle yet. To be able to mother them through life, instead of letting someone else do it. I didn't sign up for the job of Mother, just for a stranger to take over. These things are important to me, and have been for a long time. This BJU satellite program has been an excellent tool to allow ME to achieve my dreams for motherhood and raising my children. I'm very thankful for it!

So, if you'll excuse me, I've got some classes to work on :)




If you'd like more information on this program, you can access the website here. You can also see excerpts of classes for grades K4-12 here.

The Challenge

One of my close friends and I are in the middle of an all-out war. It's not pretty. Only one party will win, and the other will lose badly. Very badly.

I intend to be the winning party.

***

To those who know me, and those who have read this blog for awhile, it's an obvious fact that I am overweight. To those who don't know this (especially since I don't post my picture on this site), let's just spell it out for you:

Can you say 60 POUNDS?

Yeah. Seriously.

Well, there it is, out there for everybody. No hiding it, no shrinking behind the 6 kids I birthed in 10 years. Just the plain awful truth. 60 irritating pounds that my heart could live without (as opposed to dying WITH).

But why is it that 60 pounds feels so.....uh......yummy? Like a nice fat slice of double chocolate cake? I mean, I even feel that way to OTHER people I'm sure. Squishy. Kinda like how my Grandmother felt back when she was alive. Mmmmmmm.

Well.....back when she hadn't died of a heart problem.



ok.......welll then.....

***

The Challenge is this:

My friend Jeremy (who just happens to ALSO be overweight--but I'm not telling how much he has to lose. HE can tell y'all! Comon' Jer! It's like they do in AA!) decided that we needed to lose weight again. I say "again" because the last time we had a challenge like this, he was trying to get married, and he took the baton and totally RAN with it. In other words, he blew me out of the water and I still owe him a nice dinner for winning. But I digress.....

Anyhow, the Challenge. So we both need to lose weight, and whoever loses the most by Dec 31st gets a big, fat whompum prize from the loser. Which would be him. Cuz I'm NOT losing this time. The stakes are really too high. I need to lose it, I'm done having kids. No more excuses for me.

But, since it became painfully obvious that he loses weight faster and in larger quantities than I, we decided that we should go by a percentage. Whoever loses the higher PERCENTAGE wins the Challenge. He would like to lose a higher percentage than I, but I don't think he's gonna pull it off. Frankly, I just think I'm the bigger loser in general. I just have more will power.

Oh, not to mention, I want to beat him VERY BADLY.

***

One way I intend to win this Challenge is to keep myself accountable to those around me. I really don't care if EVERYBODY knows I'm losing weight and calls me on it constantly. In fact, I signed up for an online log, so I write down everything I'm eating and how many Weight Watcher points the stuff is (see, cuz I'm doing Weight Watchers, for now). As of right now, I get 27 points a day, and 35 extra points a week.

Here's my log so far for today:

I think I'm gonna try to stick this on my sidebar so you can click on it whenever you want, whether I post or not. I'm also putting a ticker up there to show how much I've lost. Talk about accountability! Feel free to check up on me as often as you like. Oh, and comment. Talk smack all you want. I need the push.

I need to WIN.

***

Feel free to join me on my little adventure to winning! Just let me know what you're doing, and maybe you can even put a ticker on your site too. We're not talking New Year's resolutions here people! We're talking LIFESTYLE changes! Working out and everything! No more couch potatoes! No more super sizing! No more Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!




OHHHHHHH!



.....it's getting painful already.....

Where to Begin Again....

Not posting for such a long time has been interesting.

One minute I would be laughing about something and saying, "You know, I oughta post about this!" The next, I'd be grateful that I didn't feel as though I HAD to post about that; to just be able to relish the moment, and move on without recording it.

But I miss writing.

A lot.

***

So much has happened in my life since September 25th. There's probably no way I could go back and remember all the highlights of the past 4 months in a way that would make you feel a part of them. I'd be surprised if I could even recall the events themselves, never mind the details. But for your sakes (and mine, when it comes to archiving), I'm going to try. So here's a short list:

-We went to Campmeeting in September
-Chris was laid off in November
-Gabe turned 1 in December
-Chris started college full-time at the beginning of January
-My cousin AND my sister-in-law were married this past weekend

I've been very faithful to read other people's blogs, in case you were wondering. No, I haven't always been much of a commenter, but many of you got a little note from me here and there. There's something pretty incredible about blogging and the blogger community in general. As long as it's kept in it's place, blogging can be a wonderful outlet and source of information (useful AND useless). I never intended to not be a part of that, but for awhile, I just needed to be an innocent bystander. Just a reader.

And thank God for the readers.

Because so many of you have been a source of comfort and happiness and intrigue to me over the past 2+ years. Your simple words of love or laughter are worth checking my email for. Every time. Thanks for being patient with me.

***

Time heals all wounds, you know.

And just like a doctor takes stitches to close a gash on your arm, I took some stitches and sealed up my heart. This was no superficial cut. No scrape, scratch, small bruise. It was a whopper of a boo-boo, if you will. And I just knew that leaving it open would expose me to too much infection, and too much input, and too much pain in the end. Closing up was a must.

You'll forgive me if I seemed to overreact, won't you? You'll have to put yourself in my shoes, I guess.

Because now I can talk about it. It doesn't bother me like it did before, and for that I'm thankful. But time has had a lot to do with it as well. Life has moved on. That wound is not raw anymore. The stitches are long gone, and the scab is gone as well.

Now, there's just a faint scar that remains....

***

September, Asher had another seizure.

He had not been sick, he had not had a fever. He was playing, and he fell and had a grand mal seizure. My world about stopped.

And I think I hid it well. It was MY nightmare--mine and Chris'. And I just needed to close up. No one else needed the burden, in my mind.

See, it was MORE than just a seizure. Not only was it a seizure without a fever (which, is more problematic, of course), but Chief thought it could potentially be genetic considering Michaela's medical history. And out of all the tests (genetic and otherwise) that she has had done over the years, this particular disease he had in mind she had never been tested for. Essentially, the disease starts as a fever seizure and then about 6 weeks later, the child would have another seizure that was not fever-related. After that, the seizures would come more often and the child would essentially lose their ability to do X, Y and Z.

You know, like Michaela has.

So, we decided to have her tested after Asher had his initial fever seizure. To see if their seizures were genetically linked. I was fairly confident that this disease was not what Asher had. I mean, tons of kids have fever seizures. It really wasn't a big deal. However, seeing as how Michaela has such a bad seizure history, I thought Chief's idea of running the test would be a good idea. You know, just to rule it out. So we ran the test and had to wait 6 weeks.

Sometime during that waiting period, Ash had the second seizure. The one NOT fever related.

6 weeks to the day he had the fever seizure.

Like I said, my world stopped.

***

God says, "I won't give you more than you can handle." and "My grace is sufficient for you." And I believe those words. But there have been plenty of times when I would tell God, "You have a much higher opinion of me than you ought to! I really can't handle THIS much!"

The repercussions of that seizure just never seemed to end in the week after it happened. See, when Michaela was little, we never knew what we were up against. We always had hope that she would get better. That the seizures would get under control in time, and then she'd flourish again, back to her very intelligent, very capable little self. By the time the bomb of her diagnosis hit, we were already in the trenches with a full battle plan. We grew into her regression. We were clueless until her disease is what our lives had already become.

But that luxury would not be there with Asher. If he had that dreadful disease (and by this time, I was pretty convinced even without the results being in), then I knew the road ahead of me. I started mourning that day. All the little smiles and boyish things he did, all the words he would say, and all the years we would see those things melt away. I contemplated them all. I watched him endlessly it seemed, just trying to soak it all in and remember how he "was."

And I worried about Gabe. Seeing as how this seizure monster would be genetic, then there was the potential for Gabe to be affected too (I wasn't worried about the other children, as they were past the age range for it to show up). It was just too much. I tried to put that thought out of my mind for the time being, but the notion just became another facet in a huge realm of awful possibilities.

So, in light of all this, I did the only thing I could think to do:

I stitched up my bleeding heart with positive thinking, prayed that God would steel my mind for the future, and tried to march on like nothing was wrong.

But I couldn't blog. I just couldn't.

***

Six weeks after Michaela's blood work was sent off, it came back.

Negative.

***

It is Chief's thought that Asher's seizure was nothing more than an isolated incident. Fever seizures, like the first one, and regular seizures, like the second, are diagnosed in different categories. They are not considered related. And each category allows for a person to experience ONE seizure of that type without being officially diagnosed or treated. It's like getting a freebie, if you will.

And as Chief said: "He's had his freebie."

And he hasn't had another one since then.

***

Life is back to normal now in so many ways. I'm just being a mom, and taking care of the house, and we're homeschooling, and just doing life. All the children are doing well--nothing to complain about, and Chris is well too.

As for my heart, you can't really tell that I went through this 4 months ago. I laugh as much as I used to, and I don't stay awake at night.

But if you look close....really close.....you'll see a faint line where that gash was. And if you're quick enough, you may see my startled reaction every time Asher falls down randomly or makes a strange snorting sound. You may even hear my heart skip a beat.




Because some scars, you have for life.

Signing Off?

There are probably plenty of things that I could post here on the blog, but I haven't the time or the energy to do so.

The muse has left me, so to speak.

But more than that, Life right now is sort of hectic, with a side of stress. There are many things that others would post to their own blogs (if they had my life, that is), but I have made a conscious decision not to do so.

There are some things that you just don't talk about.

And that may be why I'm not posting hardly at all right now. There are certain things in my life that are consuming my time and mental agility (ability? hmmmm.....), but I'm not talking about it, so what else is there to talk about? The dishes? Homeschool? Hardly. Those things just seem so mundane in the grand scheme of things right now.

What I really need to do is spill my guts out.

But I won't right now---not in this journal.

Which leaves me generally speechless.

***

Time will tell if I start writing again. Feel free to NOT check back every day or once a week like you're used to doing. There are actually free programs that will alert you as to when I've updated (or anything else you like to read, for that matter), and I would suggest you try that if you want to see if I've posted. It'll save you some time. I use one myself.



So for now....





Thanks for reading. Maybe we'll meet here again soon...

The Easy Way

I know I'm not posting very much, but I still took the time to submit to Pediatric Grand Round this week.

See, because I can just send in a link of something I've already written. I don't have to actually post to submit! Ha!

So go ahead....check it out. You'll probably learn something you didn't know before.....

And knowing is half the battle :)

And Many Moooooore!

Awwwwww.....Now that's a face.....

err.....

EYEBALL

that only a good friend could love!

Brighter Than

This morning when I woke up Michaela, she was singing this hymn from church:

We have a hope
Within our souls
Brighter than the perfect day
God has given us His Spirit
And we want the world to hear it
All our doubts are passed away

I'm not so sure why she had this one stuck in her mind. I don't believe we've sung it recently. It was kind of interesting how she started singing before she opened her eyes. And even though she had the words a little messed up ("We have a soul within our soul"), and her speech was garbled (you only would've known what she was singing if you recognized the tune), it was neat to see her enjoying such a good song. She didn't want to stop when I told her to be quiet (ya know, cuz no one else really wanted to be awake at 6), so she whispered it instead.

And of course, because I also know the song, I couldn't help but have the verses run through my head (she was singing the chorus). This one in particular, was the one that came to mind:

Life will end in joyful singing
"I have fought a faithful fight"
Then we'll lay our armor down
And our spirits freed from earthly ties
Shall take their happy flight
To possess a starry crown

I dunno. I think this one is pretty appropriate for a handicapped child with a life-threatening condition. Doncha think?

"Faithful fight" indeed!

Whirlwind Week

It's been over a week since I last posted, and Jen was so kind as to give me the necessary hand-slap to get me back on course. After my last post, it's pretty cruel to not give an update. My apologies.

But Asher is doing well.

Like febrile seizures are want to do, they only come around during a high fever. And as most of you know, high fevers usually only come around during a sickness. Asher got over his within 24 hours of when he had the seizure, for the most part. He hasn't been sick since........ie: no seizures.

I trust that's the last we see of 'em.

***

I had quite the whirlwind week last week. And once you hear about it, you'll know why I haven't posted. In fact, some of you may even scold me! But hey, sometimes you just gotta live on the wild side, ya know?

For starters, last Monday (not to be confused with the Monday just past), my Sister-in-law Jes came into town to visit. Chris' sister is an officer in the Navy, and her schedule is often difficult when it comes to working out visits. She's always been good about it though, and so she decided to pop into town in between her duties. And just because I think she's incredible (and ahem.....she was MY friend before I even looked twice at Chris...hehehehe!), I'm going to tell y'all what she's doing these days. Because I like to brag on her:

She is now a personal aide to the second most powerful Admiral in the United States Navy. That's right folks. MY friend, MY Sister-in-law, was hand-picked by a 3-Star Admiral to work along side him and over his staff for the next 2 years. This guy is in charge of the ENTIRE Atlantic Fleet (which, in case you didn't know, is the biggest in the world). And MY Sister-in-law has this man's ear. WooHoo Jes!

Anyhow......Jes was so nice as to fly in last Monday, rent a car, and stay with us until Wednesday. I purposely kept the news from Chris, and we surprised him. I even got him Tuesday off so he could visit with her. We had fun. It was so sweet for those two to be together. Chris doesn't get to see his family very often.

***

The day after Jes left, Thursday, I got the chance to breathe a little. I didn't have hardly anything to do that day, so I got caught up on the things I put aside while she was here. Unfortunately, Michaela woke up with a bad cough and saying she didn't feel good, so she stayed home from school. She slept pretty much the whole day. By Friday she seemed much better, which was good because she had a doctor's appointment that day.

***

Michaela is now seeing yet another specialist at our Children's Hospital, a psychologist. As she's gotten older, her behavior is becoming further and further removed from what would be considered age appropriate. For example: A five-year-old acting like a three-year-old is not so big a deal compared to a nine-year-old acting like a three-year-old. Get it? So the older she gets, the more unacceptable her actions become. And sometimes, the stuff she does could be harmful to herself or others.

For instance, she's very impulsive. She rarely thinks about what she's doing before she does it. This is a very "two-year-old" way to act. However, she's a lot taller than a two-year-old is. So, even if a normal two-year-old would try to touch the eye on the stove, they really couldn't because of their size. But, Michaela CAN touch that eye, and she very well WOULD. It's the same with going outside. A very young child may WANT to go out, but they can't open the door (or even reach the handle in some cases). Michaela can very easily open the door on a good day, and has absentmindedly walked into the middle of the street, not realizing that her safety is in jeopardy.

This is just one reason why we are seeing a behavioral specialist. In general, Michaela needs to calm down and not be so hyper. It causes her to be out of control, and we have a hard time changing that. Out of control means a lower quality of life for her AND the rest of us. Between this psychologist (who evaluates and treats through counseling) and a psychiatrist (who prescribes medicine), we should have a game plan in the near future.

Unfortunately, this means many visits to the hospital in a short time frame. I think I've been there four times in the last month. And the end is not in sight yet.

Sigh.

So that was last Friday.

***

Then, last Thursday night (so we're backtracking a bit here), my good friend Donna called me to tell me that her middle son Paul had decided to get married on Saturday. The COMING Saturday. Like, IN TWO DAYS. For some reason, Paul wanted to be married really bad. I've always had a soft-spot for Paul, and have enjoyed the times he wanted to hold my babies and tote around my little kids. He would tend to be hardened on his exterior, but you throw those little smiles into his day, and you could tell he was a total mushbug on the inside. I liked seeing that side of him.

Paul had moved to Kentucky and neither I nor his Mama had seen him all that much. To make a long story short, she REALLY wanted to go to the wedding in spite of the circumstances (which are too lengthy to note here), and so did I. But she wasn't sure if it would work out for her to go on such short notice. Saturday morning, the DAY of the wedding, she called me at 8am asking me if I wanted to go with her to KY.

Two hours and twenty minutes later, we were on the road for the 4-5 hour trip up there.

I know, you think I'm crazy.

But it worked out for the kids and Chris, and I took Boo and Gabe. Those two did excellent on the drive. We got up there, went to the wedding, and drove back. Almost exactly 12 hours later, I was home and in bed.

Just in time to sleep before church services the next day.



And THAT'S why I didn't blog last week.

Normal

We didn't realize what was going on last night with Asher.

It seemed like he would wake up crying every few hours. For no apparent reason. Very strange for him, seeing as how he sleeps through the night, and has continually since he was 1 month old. Every time we would go in there to see what was wrong, he would only say, "I want to see you Mama/Dada." We would tell him to go back to sleep, and he would. Not without waking up Gabe, unfortunately, but that's another story.....

Around 6 this morning, it happened again. This crying all of a sudden. I was afraid (and angry) that he would wake up Gabe again, so I went in there and was pretty upset with him. That only made him cry worse. Come to find out, he was very hot to the touch.

Ahhhhh......now I understand what's wrong.....

***

I took him into bed with us for the rest of the morning. It was obvious that he was sick. You know the signs: a lot of sleeping, hardly eats, cries a lot, clinginess. He had all of them. Including a continual fever.

I personally don't worry too much about fevers. They're there for a reason, and I don't like to mess with that. He was fighting off something by having that fever, and as far as I was concerned, it could finish the job so I could have my old Ashey back. And as long as it doesn't get too high, and cause too much discomfort for the child, I tend to NOT medicate for a fever. If I do end up giving them something, it's a bit of Tylenol or Motrin, but again, only if it seems like the child is having a miserable time.

Asher was just spending most of his time resting on the couch, and so we thought we'd just ride this one out. He was clingy, but was fine in my arms. So I held him. A lot.

At some point in the early afternoon, he fell asleep on the couch with Libby. Seeing my new found freedom, I took the opportunity to tie up some loose ends on house chores. In the meantime, Gabe woke up from his nap, Michaela went down for hers, and Chris took the two older boys to town to get some stuff.

Which means, it was just me and Gabe when Ash woke up from his nap about 2:30. He was crying again, just like he had the night before. He wanted me, and I was happy to oblige him, except Gabe was nursing at the time. He wandered over to me, but I told him to go rest on the love seat until I was done with Gabe.

And then it happened.



Asher cried out and started to convulse in a full-blown, grand mal seizure.

Another child.

Seizing.

***

My heart stopped.

And everything that we've been through the past 7 years ran through my mind. That first morning when she was turning blue, the myriad of EEGs, the abilities that just keep melting away......

I gently picked him up while his eyes rolled into the back of his head (how many times have I seen that face?), and his little arms beat rhythmically against my chest (the all-too-familiar thudding sound). I carried him to the kitchen sink and doused a kitchen towel in cool water, remembering the very first time I ever saw a child having a seizure: It was the same exact type situation, a fever induced seizure. The little boy's mother was hysterical, calling his name, while the other adults around him ran for wet blankets and covered him from head to toe. I was doing the same now, covering his hot head (how hot is it? hasn't he been this hot before?) with that towel. The twitching slows.......the eyes come back......the lips turn from blue to white. There's drool on my shirt. He's limp and catching his breath. He's post-ictal now....

I only know that term because I've known it for years....

I've been here before.....

With a pretty little blue eyed girl.....

***

Amazingly enough, even to me, I didn't freak out. Not during the seizure, and not later. And not now. I knew from the second I saw his face contort, that this was not the same as Boo. This was not the terrible monster we've been fighting all these years. I knew, in the back of my mind, where all the years of study and learning are kept, that this was not even Epilepsy.

It was simply a fever-induced seizure. A febrile seizure. A common childhood occurrence.

But even as my mind took that all in, and I took the steps necessary to help my little son, I couldn't help but go through all the feelings I've dreaded. All the years I've worried and cautiously watched every child grow up in my arms---for a twitch, for that cry---to wait until I felt they were past the risky years. Listening, watching, steeling myself against the day that I'd have to watch another child deteriorate. And breathing again, when they thrived and grew and learned

and didn't have a seizure.

Asher won't fall into that category, but I'm not the hysterical mother I thought I would be in light of that fact. I'm not freaking out, and I'm not upset. By the end of the day, he was eating plenty, talking a bunch, and fooling with his siblings. He's sleeping now, and not crying out. His fever broke in the late afternoon, and he's back to normal.

Normal.

He's normal.

And thank God, I'm normal too.





For more information about febrile seizures in children, click here.

One Small Kindness

Well, Michaela has been on the Diazepam (Valium) for a little over a week now.

Things are going......ok. Just OK. I'm pretty sure she's still sleeping instead of seizing through the night. I haven't heard a seizure yet. So that's good. But she's developed a pretty hyper alter ego during the day. More hyper than we've seen her in a long time. I'm sure it has to do with all the sleep she's getting now, but it's seriously getting on my nerves. I mean, I'm not too much of an "in your face" type of gal, and that's ALL she does all day.

She lays on me. She hugs me upteen million times. She waves her hands millimeters from my face. ALL. DAY. LONG.

When she's not doing that, then she's giggling. Incessant giggling. Monotone giggling. Fake sounding giggling. Drive-you-batty-till-you-wanna-cry kinda giggling. Seriously. It's not even close to funny. Or cute.

Sigh.

I feel furthest from "Mom of the Year" at times like this. I get so aggravated with her. Like I must have a short fuse or something--which I don't THINK I do. But she can't help herself. She just does what her short-circuited brain tells her to do. On the other hand, I can't help myself either. These behaviors are irritating. I can't help but be put out by it. Yet, I don't like that the majority of our day together, I'm telling her to "stop", or "go somewhere and play", or "not on my lap Michaela!" It's like we can't get along or something. And I'm left to feel like I'm hurting her feelings. That her Mom doesn't want her around.

***

After a full day of Crazy Girl and Stressed Mom, I was ready for her to go to bed. My ears couldn't take anymore, and my heart was just....sad. I told Chris that I was at my limit, and could he please take care of the rest of her nighttime ritual? I just needed some breathing room.

So he put her to bed. And like most every night Chris does it, she called for me to come say goodnight to her. I was more than happy to oblige, seeing as how it would mean I was "done" for the day, and I could retire to my bed with a good book.

"Goodnight Sweetheart."

"To be with me?"

"No, Honey. Mama's going to bed now. I'll see you in the morning."

"To BE with me.......please."

The last thing I wanted to do was stay with her. After the day we had. I just needed to go to bed. I was so worn out.

"To be with me Mama......"

Sigh. I just couldn't bear the thought of denying her this one small kindness. After the day we had. So I crawled into the bottom bunk with her and laid beside her.

"To be with me?"

"Yes, Sweetheart. Mama's here. Go to sleep now."

And like my Mother would've, I gently rubbed her back and listened to her deep breathing as she settled in. Surprisingly, it was calming for me too. I thought about when she was small, when it was just her and I, and how she had made me a mother. I wondered about her future. About whether or not I would pray for another day like today-----to hear that fake giggle one more time.

"I like that," she whispered.



So do I, Honey. So do I.

Welcome Respite

Michaela has officially started her new drug therapy.

And I was wrong on my previous post. I told you that she was going on "Ativan," but it's Diazepam (or Valium, as it's commonly called) instead. Same stuff in a lot of ways. For our purposes, only difference is the name.

On Thursday, we got to Children's at about 4. By 6 or so, she was hooked up to the vEEG (video electroencephalogram: electrical study of the brain with a video camera to record seizures). They also put a Hep-lock in her hand. That way, if the Valium started to give her trouble, they could give her the antidote quickly. On top of that, she was hooked up to a Pulse-Ox to monitor her heart rate and oxygen saturation levels. This was all standard procedure and mainly for precautionary reasons. The vEEG was basically because she hadn't had one in about 2 years. Since she was going to be there overnight, and most of her seizure activity occurs at night, Chief and I both felt it was a good opportunity to get an update in the brain department.

She got the Valium at about 9 pm.

And would you believe it? That whole night she hardly did anything. Oh, she'd snore a little. She even moved around a little. But other than that, she really just slept. That's very unusual.

Most nights I can hear her seizing. She'll have maybe 3 big ones even before I go to bed. Then I'll wake up in the middle of the night and hear a couple more. And those are just the ones I hear. Nevermind the ones I sleep through.

That night in the hospital, I thought I heard one or two in the early morning. The EEG computer has a little button you can press to make a notation on the study if you see a seizure. That way, the reader can easily find the hot spots over the course of 12 hours of video and brainwave feedback. I pressed it twice. I didn't see her having a seizure, but I thought I heard that all-too-familiar disjointed breathing pattern that happens during one.

At around 8:15 the next morning, Chief came in to look over the recording. After standing there for awhile, watching the recording whiz by and looking for the tell-tale scribble on the screen, he quietly announced that he wasn't seeing anything. I told him about the two markers I left with the button. He looked for a seizure at the same time of the marker.

Nothing.

Not one seizure the whole night.

***

We'll continue to give her the Valium every night for a month. Any longer than that, and her brain will get used to it. If that happens, then the drug will be useless. And like I said in my last post, this whole therapy is in order to give her brain a boost. A much needed break from constant seizure activity. And the thought is, that that rest will have a lasting effect on her seizure control. Even if it's just a few good months, it should improve her quality of life, so it's a welcome respite.

And in my mind, any day without a seizure is a good thing. We'll take all we can get.